A Grieving Mothers Journey

1st Day of School

2011-08-10T11:20:00.005-07:00

My Miracle Boy is getting way too grown up. He started his 1st day of 1st Grade today. It is so hard to think of my little 4 pound miracle boy who 6 years ago was fighting to be here is now amazingly in 1st Grade. I have been hearing all these Moms talk about how excited they are to have one less kid at home or to have the last one gone off to school and how they dread summer. I can't fully understand that because I have been crying for most of the day and am so sad that my little buddy is off to school from 8am till 3pm. The time has gone way too fast and as much as Id love to stop time I can't. I am excited for him to meet new friends and see him thrive and learn something new everyday. For that I'm happy its school time but not that he's gone all day doing it. If I could I'd home school him BUT that is just not something I want to do and I know he will learn so much more if he is at school and in a classroom. I LOVED grade school, in fact I enjoyed school till I entered into High School. The first day of school can be a little rough for me now since he's in 1st grade and 6 already. He will graduate in 2023 which seems so far away BUT I know it will be here before we know it so the most important thing is to just enjoy every minute you have with them. "D" would have graduated in 2019 and would be almost 10 years old right now. I should be home enjoying every minute of my day with my almost 21 Month Old little "A". I remember so well how much fun "S" was at that age. So today is a reminder that "A" isn't here with us to love on and enjoy and that I don't have another child to do the 1st Day of school with. It is hard to believe but I think "D" would be in 5th Grade and I can't seem to fathom that. How I wish "S" had a big brother on campus with him to watch out for him and keep him safe and make sure he doesn't get picked on. Yes I know he isn't all skin and bones like I was when I was in school but he is a sensitive boy who def doesn't like to be picked on. He loves to make friends and meet new people no matter how old they are and he doesn't fully get that not every kid wants to be his friend or play with him or talk to him. He also has a stutter and when he is nervous or excited it can get really bad so the thought of someone making fun of him if it happens just is too much. Some kids can be so mean and I just hope any mean kids stay away from my little man or they will have to answer to me. I am blessed that I found him an amazing school that doesn't stand for things like that but it can still happen without teachers hearing it.
My little 1st Grader still gave me hugs and kisses after dropping off his backpack by his room as he was running out to the "Big" playground. After I went over to where the kids were lining up he called me over as I was taking pictures, gave me a big hug and I could see in his eyes he had a little anxiety over the big day. I gave him a big hug and then he asked if he was in the right line and he wasn't so he held my hand as I walked him to his right line and he got right in line with a smile on his face. I cried on the way too take him while he talked to my Mom who is just getting wheeled into Surgery as I type this. WHICH doesn't help my emotions right now at all. She will be just fine I know but it's still my Mom. "S" was giving her kisses over the phone and it was the cutest thing ever. He handed me the phone after he was done and got tears in his eyes and said he missed Grandma and his Brothers and wished they could be at the 1st day of school with him. I am so blessed to have my little man in my life and to be able to call myself his Mom. I have been crying off and on all day but I'm sure it'll only happen this week then I'll start getting into a routine of what to do with myself while he is gone. Right now I'd like to crawl into bed and just cry instead of clean.
Best of luck to all you other Moms with kids starting school this week!

Pregnancy

2011-06-10T20:47:00.006-07:00

It seems every time I go some place I am surrounded by people who are pregnant. Or I'm hearing of someone new who is pregnant or just had a baby. I go thru times where I handle it just fine and then other times I just want to hide in a room away from it all. I know everyone is welcome to say what they want when they are pregnant and that also means I am welcome to feel how I do about hearing certain things. Lately I have been in a place where I just want to hide when the subjects come up and all I hear is complaining. I think it has to do with the fact that a lot of people are pregnant again that were pregnant when I was or around the same time I was. This is also the first time that I have had a loved one have the same due date that I had with Dallin. I didn't expect to ever know someone who would have a due date of one of my little ones and I never thought about how seeing that date would get to me and it most certainly has nothing to do with the person who is pregnant it is just seeing that date knowing that is when I should have had my little angel.
One thing that has actually made me cry is when I hear all the people who are pregnant around me complaining about being sick and feeling like they need to throw up all the time and how it better be worth it in the end. Another one is when they try to deliver as early as they can or complain about being pregnant too long and how the baby is so big they just want it out of them. I would give anything to just be sick to my stomach when I'm pregnant and I'd also give anything to be nice and big and pregnant with a big healthy baby inside of me. Another thing is when I hear complaining about how long of a time period they have been pregnant in a row because they have so many kids so close together without breaks which was there choice to do and are lucky enough to be able to have those healthy babies. Then once the baby is born its another few months of hearing how tired they are or how much the baby cries or how they still have all this baby weight to lose and how horrible they look. The response most people give someone after they have a baby and have that weight to lose is well cuddling with your newborn makes it all worth the extra weight. Twice now I have delivered my Sons and not had a baby to bring home with me to cuddle and take care of. I still have to heal from my C-Sections along with planning my child's funeral and instead of picking out car seats or cribs I'm picking out a casket, instead of singing lullaby's I'm picking out songs to be sung at the funeral. I am making a funeral program instead of making newborn announcements. I don't get to have dreams for them and all the ones I had have been taken away from me. I don't get to see them go to Kindergarten, get Baptized, get promoted from the 8th grade, Graduate High School go to college or get Married and have kids, I don't get to sit on the sideline during sports games or recitals. I go thru weeks or months of bed rest doing everything I can to make sure this baby I have inside of me is healthy and taken care of. I come home with no baby and still have that extra weight where then you get asked how far along you are, I have milk that comes in that I have to dry out and a scar I have to look at everyday in the shower that reminds me how much my arms and heart aches to have my baby to hold and kiss on.
I have one miracle baby that I worked day and night to get here, he wasn't healthy, he came 5 weeks early, had to be taken from me minutes after delivery by airevac to another hospital where he was on a vent and was very sick. I didn't get to bring him home from the hospital with me. I was lucky enough to bring him home after 11 days in the NICU, he was still sick and below 5 pounds. He is my everything and with losing 2 of my Sons I cherish every single moment I have with him. I have people say I take too many pictures, I save too many papers he colors or papers with his school work, I do too much for him for his Birthdays and I try to protect him too much. In this I say you can NEVER take too many pictures because you never know when one of you will be taken away, I say you have never lost a child so you can't tell me I need to not protect him as much as I do and you are not me so you have no idea how I am feeling or what I have experienced to make me who I am today.
Don't tell me it will all be ok, that with time I will be my old self, that my heart will heal with time, that I will see them in Heaven one day, that they are in a better place or to get over the fact they aren't here with me. Do not tell me you know how I feel or that everything happens for a reason or that they are better off not being here since being so early they could have had something wrong with them and had challenges and wouldn't have been "perfectly healthy" which in return would just be too much work for me to have to deal with and I wouldn't be able to have a "normal life". Do not tell me I am not grieving correctly or you wouldn't feel the same way about something that I do. My heart will never heal totally, the grief never goes away you just learn how to deal with it better as time goes by but my heart will always be broken and I will always miss them and think that them being here with me is where they need to be.

The Eve of Mothers Day

2011-05-07T21:40:00.011-07:00

Mothers Day is a day for celebrating those in your life who have touched your life. Being a Mother means so many different things and you do not have to physically give birth to a child to be a Mother and if your child is in Heaven that doesn't take away the fact that you are a Mother.

This first picture is of my Brother and Sister-In-Law, my Husband and I along with my parents and grandparents and my little miracle boy. Without this group of people I do not want to know where I would be right now. Probably in the hospital crying non-stop without being able to handle the last 10 years of my life.
I am so thankful for my own Mother. We have a relationship like no one I know. We have our fights and problems but we are really close and talk about everyday or more then once a day. I have been very blessed with having such an amazing in my life and am blessed to have her as the one who raised me. I am so thankful for the relationship she has with my Son and how close they are. I do not know how her and I have stayed so close with everything I have done over the years and put them thru. It has somehow made us closer together and made our relationship stronger instead of tearing our family apart like I've seen it do to others.

When I first became a Mother it was in a way that no Mother should have to experience. I almost lost my life and my Son was in the NICU fighting for his life. The time I was able to spend with him I will never forget. That 1st Mothers Day was so hard on me. Just because my Son was not here physically with me did not mean I was not a Mother. I was a Mother and to a very special little angel who touched many lives especially mine. I am blessed enough to have my close family remember me on that special day. A few years later I had my little Miracle Baby. I know he is a blessing that was given to me. He was due on June 5th (my 21st Birthday) He was born 5 weeks early and had to be rushed off to another hospital via Airevac as soon as he was stable. Just 11 days later our prayers were answered and my little guy got to come home from the hospital and it just happened to be Mothers Day that he came home. It was a bitter sweet day for me. I was so happy to be getting to bring my little one home but it still didn't and wouldn't heal losing my 1st angel. I knew he was with us every step of the way and I know he was watching over us making sure I got something special on that Mothers Day and what better gift then getting to finally leave the hospital. When we lost our 2nd angel in 2009 that next Mothers Day that was just last year was so hard. I went down to Tucson to spend it with my Mom. We went hiking which was a tradition when we were growing up. We had one of my 2nd Mommas (Momma T, pictured with her husband and my BF her son in the 2nd picture) that was able to join us and oh goodness it was such a special day of remembrance for us and we were able to honor the 3 angels we had between me and Momma T and then the children the 3 of us have here on Earth. Momma T is one of those that I refer to as one of my 2nd Moms. She has blessed my life so much and is apart of my support system thru everything. I believe that she has magical hugs that can heal anything. When you get a hug from Momma T you know she is truly happy to see you and feels the same way about you. I have known Theresa since I was born for the most part, her son and I are just a year apart in age and grew up together. Our families were in the same ward while we were growing up and still are. We grow closer together as the years pass and it is a blessing in my eyes that my parents picked to move to Tucson and picked the 2 places to live in our time in Tucson. She has an angel up in Heaven as well, Travis, who I know for a fact is up with my boys helping take care of them. Our loses are very different and I remember the day they lost Travis, I was young but I do remember my heart breaking for her as a Mother losing her child. We have bonded over something that no Mother should have in common with another but I truly do not know if I would've made it without her, my Mom and my other 2nd Mom. This is one of the first years in awhile I haven't been in Tucson to celebrate with these special Women and it's probably one year I need to be able to honor them most. I have been missing my Angels so much lately. Momma T was diagnosed with Cancer at the start of the year and it knocked my breath out when I got the news. I couldn't hold back the tears no matter how much I tried. It was another one of those reminders of how fragile life is and how things can change at the drop of a dime. I have had so many of those reminders over the years and I do not think I need anymore of them at this point. We have been blessed though with her getting better with treatment and I can not wait to get that news that treatment is done and is doing well.

My other Momma (Momma B I will call her today, and is in the 3rd picture w/me at my Wedding) is someone who came into our life when I was in Middle School. We went on a Ski trip up to Northern Arizona and we laughed the entire time, I'm not joking, we would have to stop mid run because we were laughing so hard. We bonded quicker then I could have ever imagined. At her Birthday party a couple years later she introduced me to her family as her Surrogate Daughter and it has been like that every since. She is the only person I have trusted to take care of my Angels and to prepare them for the funerals. I have been blessed to have her in my life and I know we met for a very special reason. Her Husband and her own a Mortuary in Tucson and I remember that moment when I realized my little Dallin would be going to a Funeral home and wouldn't be able to come home with me. It helped calm me so much knowing she would be the one picking him up from the hospital and taking care of him. They picked him up from the hospital and she held him in her arms from the hospital to the Funeral home. When it was time for me to pick out everything I walked into the office to meet with them with a bag full of clothes waiting for me that she had gone out and picked out that were small enough to be able to fit a 1 pound 10 ounce baby. They had everything set out and handled everything along with bringing him up for the Funeral which was 4 hours away. All of you reading who have lost a child know that that part of the planning process after losing a child can be the most stressful and heart breaking part of it all. Having such a saving grace be that support for me has helped me more then anyone will ever know. When I found out we had lost Anthon she was visiting and was going to come to the hospital to keep me company and when she called to see if I was done with my Morning labs and I told her what had happened she came straight over to be with me and when she got there I had to say the words that I never thought I would ever say which was Can you please do the same that you did for Dallin for Anthon. Her husband (who is by far one of the most amazing men Ive ever met) and her came up from Tucson when it was time for Anthon to go to the funeral home and picked him up and drove him home, again she held him the entire way. She made his outfit for his funeral and they again drove up North for the funeral with him. They did more for us then I could've asked for. No matter what the time or the day I know I could call her and she would be at my side at that instant.

I am who I am today because of these amazing Women in my life. You can not go thru the grief process without support like these amazing people. I am blessed with them along with my angel of a Sister-In-Law who I love more then I ever imagined I would love a Sister-In-Law and of course my Grandparents who are the best example to those around them. I know I have a support system that is stronger then a lot and I am blessed to have every single person in my life who has helped me get to where I am today and to get to this point in the grief process.

No one can replace my Mom and she will always be my Mother and I hope she knows how much I love and cherish her as my Mother. No one can ever come between us and if what Ive put her thru hasn't pushed her away I know she's in it for the long haul! She isn't going anywhere and it's not just because I am her daughter it is because we love each other and have formed a friendship like no one else. I am also blessed and lucky enough to have these other 2 women who have been able to be such great examples to me and be a support that they really didn't have to be. We are in each others lives because we Love each other.

I miss my Boys everyday and tomorrow will be especially hard but special for me since tomorrow I get to spend every moment with my Miracle boy who I bet I will barely let leave my side the entire day. I have felt very off the last few weeks and I realized it's because I just haven't felt whole, my arms have been aching for my Babies and I just don't feel like myself without them right now so tomorrow I am going to try to fill the empty arms with lots of hugs and cuddles with a big 60 pound 6 year old for as long as he will let me. Hopefully my plan to run this week will also help me clear my mind. Maybe some Meditation in the mornings, I've never tried it but I've heard it helps and I am bound to find out if it will work for me.

To all my Angel Mommy's I want to wish you a Happy Mothers Day. To my Angels and Miracle Boy, Thank you for picking me as your Mother and for blessing me as a Mother.

Scheduled C-Section

2011-02-07T09:35:00.005-07:00

Well Saturday was the day that my little "A"s Birthday should have been. February 5th was my 37 week mark and that is when we were going to do my C-Section. I had so many feelings come over me and it was hard to think about how my body failed me. So many people tell me it isn't my fault and that my body didn't fail me BUT really unless you are in my shoes you can't say anything about it. Most Pre-Eclampsia Moms feel the same way I do especially if they have lost a child because of it. I honestly hate my body for it. I have had to listen to so many women complain about being pregnant and how horrible it is and how they are just ready for it to be over with and it makes me so sad. They just don't get how special it is to bring a child into the world and that not everyone is lucky enough to experience it. I had one miracle but it was not an easy road. I was on bed rest for over 5 weeks and had to make a few visits into the Maternity ward to be monitored along with twice a week appts from very early on and having to give myself blood thinner shots, being a single mom without a partner at home to make sure I was safe. BUT I wouldn't have it any other way, I did the same things with my little miracle boy that I did in my last pregnancy and I got 2 totally different out comes. It isn't fair and it shouldn't have happened. I did everything plus more with this last pregnancy with "A" and my body still failed me and worst of all no one can tell me why or explain to me what happened. Having answers of why I get so sick and myself almost die would help but after losing 2 of my children and myself being in danger no one can tell me. I do know that with "A" the hospital failed me and didn't do what they were supposed to do. My little man should have been delivered the day before we lost him or at the latest once his HR started to drop.

I wish more then anything that none of this would have happened and that I would have just delivered on February 5th. I wish I would've been throwing a huge 1st Birthday party this weekend instead of having to just look at my little ones pictures.

Song

2011-02-01T14:23:00.003-07:00

This song is one of my favorites out right now. It is one of a couple songs that when it comes on I want total silence. Yes I have a little OCD and when it comes to certain songs I just want to sit in silence and listen to it or belt it out but I won't have a conversation during it. I think this song can have so many meanings to anyone who hears it.

The Band Perry

If I Die Young

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
Oh oh oh oh

Lord make me a rainbow
I’ll shine down on my mother
She'll know I’m safe with you
When she stands under my colors
Oh and life ain't always what you think it ought to be
No ain't even gray
But she buries her baby
The sharp knife of a short life
Well I’ve had just enough time

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
The sharp knife of a short life
Well I’ve had just enough time

And I’ll be wearing white
When I come into your kingdom
I’m as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I’ve never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holdin’ me hand
There’s a boy here in town says he’ll love my forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life
Well I’ve had just enough time

So put on your best boys
And I’ll wear my pearls
What I never did is done
A penny for my thoughts
Oh no I’ll sell them for a dollar
There worth so much more after I’m a goner
And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’
Funny when you’re dead how people start listenin’

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
Oh oh

The ballad of a dove
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears
Keep ‘em in your pocket
Save them for a time
When you’re really gonna need ‘em oh
The sharp knife of a short life
Well I’ve had just enough time
So put on your best boys
And I’ll wear my pearls

Middle of the Night

2011-01-17T09:58:00.003-07:00

Well last night my little man had a tummy ache and was having a hard time sleeping. He came in to our room to say he couldn't fall asleep, I sent him back on his way to his room and then went in and checked on him a few minutes later. He said he had a tummy ache and asked if I could help him fall asleep. So I rubbed his back and his head and I just lost it, I started crying watching him sleeping. I am so blessed to have him in my life and I have just felt like a horrible Mom lately for anything and everything. He opened his eyes and asked why I was crying I told him I just loved him so much and sometimes Mommys just need to cry. He said and you Love my Brothers. I told him of course I do and he went on to tell me how much he misses them and wished they didn't have to die because he really missed them and wants to play with them. He at that point was crying as hard as I was. He was holding my hand, rubbing my arm, comforting me. At 5 years old this little boy has had to learn how to comfort his Mommy and that is something I never thought my little one would have to know how to do. He sat up and hugged me and patted my back. He is such a special little boy who holds such a huge piece of my heart. So we sat and talked about his Brothers for a good 30 minutes, it was one of the best conversations I have had about them. It is a night I will never forget and couldn't forget to write it down the first chance I got.
We talked about how they are always with us and are watching over him everyday so if he wants to talk to them he can. At that moment I got this strong feeling that they really are around us taking care of us. I got my answer of why we lost Anthon. It will always hurt but at that moment I was told that they did watch over me and that is why Anthon had to go to Heaven because if he hadn't then there Brother, Stratton, wouldn't have had a Mommy to raise him. That is the first time since we lost Anthon that I have received some kind of answer.
I am so blessed to have had such amazing little boys and I love each of them so much.

2 Angels

2010-12-03T09:30:00.003-07:00

Well since my last post we have had the Anniversary of having our little Anthon McKay. As an Angel Mommy you or at least me remember every detail down to the exact day and minutes of things. So the days leading up to his Anniversary. When we got pregnant I did everything I could to get excited and not worry about anything going wrong. That is sort of hard to do though when you have had 2 pregnancies where things didn't go really well. After delivering at 27 weeks and losing my 1st son and then delivering at 35 weeks and having to experience the NICU with my 2nd Son I hoped that meant we would go even further with my next pregnancy since I did make it to 35 weeks. I also thought no way would I have another child taken away from me, having to bury 1 child was more then any mother should have to experience. After getting so sick so early on in my 3rd and last pregnancy I still kept positive and thought well the bed rest will work and the blood thinners will work along with all the vitamins and we will deliver at 30 weeks at the earliest. I had prepared myself for an early deliver as soon as I started to show signs of getting sick. When I was admitted at 23 weeks I prepared myself for delivery at 25 weeks and knew my guy was a fighter and he could be one of the Miracles. My entire family kept talking about me being in the Hospital till Christmas time and delivering around then but I knew in my heart that was just not going to happen. When I got that sick I knew it was within a couple weeks Id go into full blown Eclampsia. So although I was prepared for a very early delivery I was not prepared at all for my son to be Stillborn. That was not in my mind at all. He had been doing so well and I tried so hard to tell the nurses and Dr that it was time to deliver and that something was wrong. I was drugged on Magnesium so I wouldn't start seizing and you can't really fight for anything while on it. It was a struggle to get up and out of bed to go to the bathroom which was a step away from my bedside. I had let Bradley go home to go to bed since we knew it could be a long few days after we delivered and I knew when I saw my Peri that next day I would not let him leave until we had my c-section scheduled for that afternoon. I had my nurse coming in every 2 hours to check Anthons HR and had no idea she hadn't passed along to the Neonatologist that his HR had dropped and I was worried about it. Every single moments of that last night I re-live and at his Anniversary I re-lived them even more. I couldn't sleep for months after we lost Anthon. Every time I closed my eyes I saw the Ultrasound screen of him that moment I looked at the screen and saw his HR had stopped and he was gone. I was in shock and a part of me was so mad I wanted to hit the OB when he walked in for not delivering the day before like I had asked. I wanted to yell at him and say I told you something was wrong and you said you were more worried about some of the other Moms in the Unit then me. Every Mom in the Unit was over 30 weeks except for me and I was the only Pre-Eclamptic patient on the floor with a history of Eclampsia. Sorry but I should've scared him to death with my history and he is the same OB that told me we would deliver 2 days after me being hooked up to the Magnesium. Well the day before we lost him was that 2 day mark. All of this just kept going thru my head last month during his Anniversary.
I have a great enough Mom that she came up and spent the day with me and kept me busy. I coach a U10 girls soccer team and I had to coach a game that night which in some ways helped keep me busy if my Mom wouldn't have been up here and I wouldn't have had a Soccer game I probably would've just stayed in bed all day with the lights off and my puppy curled up next to me. That actually sounded like the perfect plan to me but I knew I had to get myself out of the house and keep busy. My Dad called me on our way to get lunch and all he said is Hi, how you doing? and I lost it. Being asked how I was doing just put me over the edge since so far no one had asked me that. Later my amazing Sister-In-Law called me and she was so positive and asked what we were up to and I held it together and we talked about what I was buying and doing. I knew why she was calling and that she remembered, she didn't have to sit and talk about everything we had all had to experience a year ago. It meant so much to me that she called to talk and that she remembered that day. I am blessed with such an amazing family who always supports me and helps get me thru the tough days. None of them really understand what I'm going thru and how I'm feeling but they are always around for me if I need them and that's what matters.
I can't believe its already been a year since I was able to hold my little guy and cuddle and love on him. I wish I was able to do it whenever I wanted to and I would give anything to be able to hold him just one more time.

The Breakdown

2010-10-18T09:07:00.003-07:00

Well this entire week has been a very very busy one. Dallin's 9th Birthday would've been 2 Saturdays ago which I had a Wedding I helped do Photography for. Sunday after church my little one and the puppy and I loaded up to go to my Parents for a few days to get away. I got home Wednesday and went straight to both of my teams Soccer Practices. Thursday I had a Photography work shop all day and Friday we went to the local college Soccer game with more Soccer games on Saturday and another Wedding to do the Photography for which was my little ones 9th Anniversary wing day. The 16th was also my Best Girlfriends Dads Birthday. He passed away a few months after Dallin did from ALS. Also during this week its the Anniversary of my Husbands Cousin getting killed in a car accident and my long time friend from growing up Scottie dying overseas while he was in the Military.

Last night I finally got some alone time where I was finally sitting still. Everyone in the house was in bed and up to that point I had been for the most part very cranky since waking up from my nap. It was about midnight and I went up to check on my little one and he wasn't in his bed. I found him in my bed cuddled up on my side of the bed. I bent down on my knees and just lost it. I eventually moved him over and laid down with him. I was holding him so tight in my arms and couldn't stop the crying. I knew it was going to happen, I can sense my breakdowns starting to come and it was just a matter of time for this one to come. It was the kind of crying where your eyes are shut so tight it hurts. I think I was holding onto Stratton so tight it woke him up cause he rolled over and gave me a big hug and kiss and told me he loved me. I am so blessed to have him in my life. He is the most amazing little boy and is just so special. It does make me wonder how his Older Brother, Dallin, would have been and how amazing he would have been. Around this time I get to really sit and think about who he would have been, what he would have looked like and what he would enjoy doing. It is hard to think that it has been 9 years since I was last able to see him and hold him. I can still remember every detail like it was yesterday and it comforts me knowing all those details from the special week I had with him.

You can not tell someone to get past the grief and that they need to just forget about it all and move past it. It doesn't work like that. Grief is something you have to work thru and when you lose a child the pain never goes away, you learn how to deal with it and handle it but it is always with you and your heart never heals totally. If I didn't have a breakdown every once in awhile and especially around the Anniversaries then I would be worried something was wrong with me. They are healthy and normal anyone who says otherwise has never lost a child.

Our Lovely Blog Award

2010-10-08T13:19:00.005-07:00

For Your Tears is a great organization that a lady put together and she sends out handkerchiefs to angel Mommies. She sent me one a few months ago and it meant so much to me when I got it in the mail. You can click on the button to be taken to her blog.

She was given an award "One Lovely Blog" Award. She passed it on to some fellow bloggers and included me in it. It touched my heart she would think of me, especially since I'm just getting started and it started out as a blog for me to be able to be open and honest about my journey as an Angel Mommy. It means a lot that other Angel Mommys have found comfort in it and I have been able to help them in any small way.

I would like to pass this on to a few other Bloggers who I find comfort in.. I don't have very many since I'm just starting out and finding others.

A fellow Pre-Eclampsia Survivor Laura has a couple amazing Blogs :

http://www.onlyangelsmakethelist.blogspot.com/

http://www.angelbabynames.blogspot.com/

Another Pre-Eclampsia Survivor, Jill :

http://www.areasontolivenaomihope.blogspot.com/

And now for the rules:
Accept the award and post it on your blog with the name of the person who has granted the award and his/her blog link. Pay it forward to 10 other bloggers (if you have that many) that you have newly discovered. Contact those blog owners and let them know they have been chosen.

I am going to pass this award on to some of the newest BLM who have come into my life and I am sure they would love it if you stopped over to give them support.

9 Years

2010-10-08T09:58:00.009-07:00

Tomorrow is the start of Infant Death Awareness week it is also the Birthday to my 1st little precious Angel, Dallin. We are also coming up on the year anniversary of our little perfection, Anthon.
So today I thought I'd sit down and tell my story of the start of my Journey as an Angel Mommy.

Dallin James

October 9 - 16, 2001

9 years ago today I was in the hospital hoping to make it at least 4 more weeks, it was my best day since being in the hospital and I was moved to a much bigger room so I could enjoy the month stay in a room much bigger then the one I had been in that was not much bigger then my bed. My BP was perfect all day and I even got to enjoy a wheelchair ride outside to enjoy some fresh air. I had been admitted on the 4th of October after a couple days of seeing spots and having slight headaches. I called and made myself an emergency appt and everything came back fine. So I joined my Mom to look for her a new car and we enjoyed some dinner then I started to feel off again, I always felt off at night and in the morning. So we went over to Frys and took my BP at the pharmacy and it came back at about 160/100, we took it about 5 times to be sure. We went straight home and our neighbor who is a nurse, Dana, came over and took it again. With her readings she told us to call my OB right away and when we told him what my readings were he was in shock since he had just seen me that afternoon. We went to UMC with the thought I'd get checked and sent home. We shortly realized that wasn't the case and I would be admitted. I could hear the nurses talk about how they couldn't believe I was being admitted to be checked for Pre-Eclampsia because I was such a young and healthy patient, I couldn't have Pre-Eclampsia... Now this is the 1st time I'm hearing the word Pre-Eclampsia and I had no idea what they were talking about. Then they came in and asked what I was having, I said a boy very happily and they stopped smiling and said oh that's too bad girls do so much better when they are born early. Who in the world says that to a patient that is being admitted especially after I just over heard them talking about how stupid it was I was being admitted for something I had never even heard of. So they moved me into a room and out of Triage and a nurse sat with me for a few hours and just kept telling me I had to get my BP down or they would have to put me on Magnesium. They were talking to me like I actually understood what all this meant. I had been just fine that afternoon so why in the world was I in the hospital hooked up to all of this stuff. I was only 26 weeks along and had been taking such good care of myself. Bad things only happen to those who don't go to the Dr and don't do what they are supposed to right? yeah no not at all. So my BP finally started to go down and was getting more normal and I was able to get some sleep. The next afternoon my OB stopped in to see how things were going and to explain a few things to me. He told me sorry but I was being admitted for good and wouldn't be leaving, and to also prepare myself for an early delivery. Then came my results, my protein in my urine was at 3000 and he said at 5000 he would've taken me straight into surgery but that he would be keeping a very close eye on me at the hospital. We did some research to figure out what was going on and what all this meant. Still I don't think we realized how bad this disease could get. I didn't know till after I was released that I also had HELLP which meant that my liver and my kidneys were totally shutting down on me. Looking at me you would totally think I was ok, I felt like they were over reacting since I was feeling fine and they wouldn't even let me out of bed. A lot of women with PE feel horrible but I didn't. I had some slight headaches but nothing bad and a little Tylenol and it would all go away.

Well back to today 9 years ago, it was such a happy day for all of us, my BP was great and we were all put at ease, I had only been in the hospital for 4 days and was at 27 weeks gestation now. That meant I just needed to make it 3 more weeks, which meant around Halloween we would deliver. That was our plan and it looked like I would actually make it. I had my friends come visit like I did everyday and it helped so much to have some happy faces around me. That night I went to bed feeling great, then all of a sudden in the middle of the night I woke up to a headache and the room next door to me had a newborn baby crying which made me start crying. I called the nurse to give me some Tylenol since my headache was getting worse, she took my BP when she gave it to me and I didn't even see the reading she left very quickly. I called her 5 minutes later cause usually within minutes my headache felt so much better and it was still getting worse, she came back in and re-took my BP, still up and still I didn't get to see my reading. A few minutes later I could feel something was wrong and I yelled for my BF to go get the nurse because something was about to happen and I didn't know what. Right after I said that I started to seize. Within seconds every nurse was in my room standing around me waiting for me to stop seizing so they could start the procedure to stop me from having anymore. I was told it was a horrible one that lasted way too long and scared everyone in the room. They didn't think I was going to make it out of it. My OB said even though I was in the hospital with how bad I got I should've gone into a Coma. He didn't think I was going to live past everything, so I know I am very blessed to be here right now. As soon as I stopped they cut my clothes off of me and put an IV in me and got me ready for surgery while my OB and parents were called. I was put on Magnesium Sulfate to stop me from seizing again. I'm sure the list of other meds I was put on is a very long one. The next thing I remember is being in the elevator with my OB and parents rushing in at the same time and my OB telling me I was going in for surgery and they were starting a Cath, yes right in the middle of the elevator I was getting a Cath put in. At that point I didn't care or even know what was going on, it all felt like a dream and that's all I remember. I was put totally out for the C-section and I had about 10 people in the room for me and Dallin had about that with the NICU staff for him. I wasn't even on the table fully when he started to cut me open and I have the proof since my scar is not close to a straight line. Within seconds my little Dallin was out and raced up stairs to the NICU. He was placed in the very first bed in the very first room, which I later found out is where the sickest baby goes. I didn't wake up until that afternoon and when I did I was in my room alone with Polaroid pictures of my little Son laying on my stomach. I was still very drugged and had really no idea what was going on. I had bit my tongue during my seizure and it hurt so bad. I don't even remember who had came in first to tell me what was going on but then everyone left to let me get some rest and then my poor gf came to see me. She had been over the day before and brought me some flowers, she was bringing me an Eegee and had gone to my old room and all they told her was that I was moved upstairs to a different room. Thinking nothing of it she came up and walked in with me by myself. I woke up and showed her pictures of my little guy and told her what I knew as she just stood and looked at me trying to figure everything out. Poor girl she had no idea I had had the baby yet, it was still early in the morning and not too many people had found out yet. My Mom had called my best friend as soon as she got the call and Jamie started her list of calls to let all my friends know. I'm sure everyone ended up ditching most of school because I ended up with them at the hospital in the middle of the day. All of my family had drove down and were in the waiting room keeping themselves busy and entertaining the nurses with my Grandad proving he could put his fingers out to whatever distance they told him. Very easily entertained!!!
It wasn't until the next day, the 10th that I was able to go up and see Dallin. I had got very sick and was running a fever because of an infection in my uterus and I had to be on the Mag for 24 hours after my seizure. I was also allergic to the Pain meds I was getting. It was love at first sight when I saw Dallin. He was so tiny weighing only 1 Pound 7 Ounces and was 12 1/2 Inches long. His diaper fell off of him and I was amazed at how perfect he was. He was holding on strong and was such a fighter those in the NICU. Friday, the 12th I got a call from the NICU at about 7am that Dallin had coded and they were working on him. Since I was so sick I wasn't able to go up and see him very much, I could still go into Eclamptic Seizures so they were keeping a very close eye on me. Well as soon as I got the call I hung up called my parents, grabbed my IV pole and snuck past the nurses station and into the emergency elevators and up to the NICU. They sat me in a chair back away from everything and a Dr came over and told me they had got him back and he was trying to do things on his own and that he was getting stabilized. My favorite tech saw I was missing and came up and found me in the NICU, she took me over to the family room and took my vitals. Then back in to check on Dallin and back down to my room since I was still at 104 temp. They ran a lot of tests on him after the code and then on Sunday they would re-run all the tests to see if he had any changes. We could tell that something was going on since his head was getting bigger and that for the most part just meant a Brain Hemorrhage. On Monday we got the bad news and were shown the results. I had a meeting with all of the NICU Dr's and they each showed us how bad everything was. The main results were of his Brain. The scan from Friday showed a slight hemorrhage and by the Monday results it had went from a very slight bleed to his entire brain being filled with a bleed. It was the worst bleed he could have and they couldn't do anything for him. Then came the worst part. The Dr's asked me what I wanted to do and said it was my choice if I was going to take him off of the Vent. A choice no parent should ever have to make. I asked each Dr that if this was them what would they do, and each of them said they would take him off. As a parent you want your child to know your love and compassion and you want them to be able to feel that love and show it in return and if Dallin actually made it out of the many surgeries he would need he would never know those feelings. Then we had to decide when to take him off. I wanted more then anything for my Brother to get to see his Nephew and he was all the way in England playing soccer with some Professional teams. My parents were able to get ahold of him and let him know everything that was going on and it was decided I would take him off the next day, Tuesday the 16th just a week after he was born. My brother would get on a flight and we would pick him up in Phoenix on our way to go to Taylor for the funeral.

That next day the 16th was one I never wanted to get ready for. I know though that he didn't go on that Friday when he coded because he knew I wasn't ready and was still too sick. He gave me those next few days when I was healthier and able to see him some more because he knew I needed that. You can never have enough time with them but he knew I needed to be healthier.

I have had some amazing support over the last 9 years and I would like to Thank each and every person who supported me and my family during everything.
The grief process when losing a child is very different then any other one. It does get better and you learn how to handle it better but really your heart never heals. That doesn't mean something is wrong with you or that you are stuck in a bad place. I am one who likes to share my story, it helps with awareness and gets out the truth about what happens so more can be done to help find out how to stop these tragedies. It doesn't mean im focusing on it or anything, these are my sons and it helps me to talk and share my experience.

Temporary Home

2010-09-23T13:18:00.002-07:00

At the start of this month we were up in Northern Arizona to get out of the heat and we got a call that my Husbands sweet little cousin who is very near and dear to our hearts had got her routine blood work done and her Cancer cells in her blood was up at 98%. She had just got done with her Chemo a month earlier and I really thought the news I was hearing was just a nasty joke someone was spreading. She was living in Utah when she was having treatments in the Hospital so we weren't able to see her during that time, we did send her some great packages to try to keep her busy while she was in the Hospital. As soon as I met her when my Husband and I started dating I just fell in love with her. I wanted to just take her home with me, she was 8 years old when we met and I had never met a girl who was so funny, outgoing and energetic as she was. So on the 3rd of September is when the blood work came back and they were told she would have about a month to live. We went to visit her a couple days after the news and she was still her loving, energetic self. Now 11 years old and having to deal with something no one should have to and at such a young age. I learned so much from her those few hours we were able to spend with her that day. We got a call on my Husbands and I's 2nd Wedding Anniversary (just on the 19th) saying she had taken a very bad turn for the worse and it would be happening soon. That next morning we got the call none of us wanted to get and no one would ever want to make. She had became an Angel and got her wings. One of the last things she said to me was that this was her Temporary Home and she knew everything would be ok. She was wise beyond her years and showed me the true way to look at life and death.

After we got the news I was sitting down and crying when Stratton walked over and asked what was wrong and why was I crying. I explained to him what had happened and to my surprise he got a smile on his face. In his excited voice he said "Mommy that means shes in Heaven and she is getting to play with my Brothers. I think shes with them and with there Grandpa in the car going to get Ice Cream! They are having so much fun together" Then he crawled on my lap and gave me such a big and strong hug for about 5 minutes, he just sat hugging me patting my back and rubbing my arm. When he pulled away and sat straight he gave me a kiss on my cheek and told me he loved me. What a special little boy I have, at 5 he has had to learn how to handle things that most adults can not even handle. Being so young he has such a great look on things and it's so innocent.

I may be a Mother to 2 angels but I could not imagine losing a child to Cancer at 11 year old. The thought of what her family is having to handle right now is even to hard for me to think about at times. It has been less then a year since we lost Anthon and to know another child has left the earth way before what I would consider time to go is just heart breaking.

I've always been told you don't get what you can't handle and I've actually always been one to say yeah right cause losing my 2 sons is more then any Mother should have to take but to see your child suffer with pain for that long and to pass away at 11 years old, that takes a very strong and special Mother to be able to do all of that. I have a lot of respect for her and wish I could do something to help her with everything but no one can, I have no idea how she feels. I know my heart is breaking every day and I only knew her for 3 years and we never lived in the same city. She is one of those girls that you would just attach to the moment you met her and that happened when I met her. So as her Mother I couldn't imagine. She was however blessed with 11 years with this amazing little girl and was able to spend so much time with her so that part is a true blessing.

This will be my 1st funeral since Anthons and it takes a lot to stress me out but I am starting to stress. I am a very emotional person and do not even come close to trying to hide it. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable because I'm being a cry baby but I know I won't be able to control my emotions and I am not one of those people who are able to just not cry when people are around, plus I'm also one who when I see other people crying it triggers me if I'm not already.

I'm Back

2010-09-14T21:03:00.004-07:00

Sorry for the absence lately. We have been so busy around our house. We are currently in the middle of our training to get licensed for Foster Care which takes so much time but in the end I know it will be so worth it. I am now starting to feel better so slowly I am starting to get back into some work outs hopefully soon it'll be able to be more frequent and harder cause this 30 extra pounds I have is well ridiculous and is not fun to have. I'm ready to get rid of it and start feeling like myself physically which in return also helps me feel better emotionally.
It is coming up to the year mark of our sweet Anthon being born and to the 9 year mark of my precious Dallin being born and passing away. Dallins anniversary is in October and a month later is the anniversary of Anthon. Last year at this time I was pregnant with Anthon and was preparing to have a new baby in the house. If someone would've told me it was going to turn out the way it did I would've told them they were crazy. No way was another baby going to be taken from me. My little angels hold such a huge part of my heart that it is hard to explain how big of a place they hold in my life. They have forever changed me as a person and how I live my life. I hope they are now watching over me and our family and are proud of us and the things we do in our life.

Glass Half Full or Half Empty??

2010-08-30T09:56:00.003-07:00

*pict found on google images*
Well I have always thought of myself as a Glass Half Full type of person but since losing Anthon I feel like Ive sort of gone the other way which is probably expected for anyone who has lost a child or two children. I will never be one of those people who are able to say it was a blessing because losing a child is never a blessing. I am really trying to go back into the Glass Half Full type of person. Although we never had any time with him after he was born where he was alive I am very thankful for being able to have that time with him after he was born being able to hold him and take pictures and memorize every tiny inch of him. When I close my eyes I can see what my 2 little angels look like and how small they were in my arms. I do talk about my little Angels, about my pregnancies and about them some people may feel uncomfortable with just the mention of their Names but you can't ask someone not to talk about their children so why should it be any different with me. If you are comparing Pregnancy stories well I have 3 different stories, they may not be the happiest but I have 1 amazing miracle boy from them and 2 precious angels who touched my life and you can learn a lot from my Pregnancies. I am all about Patient awareness and getting the word out about these horrible diseases and not in a bad way but in a way where women know whats going on and are able to speak up for themselves. Even when you know all the information and know what to do that doesn't mean everything is going to work out in a positive way.
The other week at church we were subing for the teacher of the 4 year olds and lets see I am 26 and enjoyed it more then I had in almost all my 26 years of going to church. The lady teaching Primary (the children) said something about how Heavenly Father doesn't make Bad things happen to us and he doesn't stop them but what he does is be there when we need the comfort and how what we know about the church will bring us comfort when we need it when we go thru something horrible.
I would never change my life, if I would've been told what was going to happen I would still want it because well those are my babies and every Mother deserves to at least meet and hold them. It is very hard at night not being able to go into the Nursery and pick them up to hold, kiss and rock when they are crying. I hear so many mothers who complain about pregnancy and how horrible it is and it breaks my heart, I would give anything for a pregnancy like that and so would a lot of other women. Then to hear them complain about the baby crying, oh how I long to hear my babies cries. When Stratton cried when he came out I had so many emotions come over me. I had never heard Dallin cry. Some women think a newborns cry is so annoying and I just love it, its a reminder of that little miracle being in this world, its such a sweet sound and it means they need you for one reason or another.
I am trying to surround myself with positive people and positive things. Life is too short to be negative and I know Ill always have those thoughts of what happened and nightmares where all I see is the Ultrasound screen of my little one with no heart beat but maybe now my experiences can educate someone else about how pregnancy can be or even to cherish the baby/children they have. I am a 3 time Survivor of Pre-Eclampsia and 2 time Survivor of HELLP. I was blessed with an amazing little boy who talks about his brothers daily which some days I will admit its hard but its amazing to hear his sweet voice ask about his Brothers or include them in something.
So my Glass Half Full thoughts for today : I am a survivor, I am here and able to tell my story and help other women. I have my miracle son who is now 5 years old and healthy with no complications. I was able to have a week with Dallin and he even opened up one of his eyes partly before he was taken off of the machines. Anthon was able to stay in our room with us for over 24 hours for me to hold and love on. I am a Mother of 3 precious Sons and that can never be taken away from me.

What Ifs

2010-08-24T20:10:00.004-07:00

The other day on the Pre-Eclampsia forums I saw a post about how a Mom was so happy she went to the hospital when she did because it saved her and her babies life. I really wish I could have those same thoughts instead I look over and think what other Dr should I have gone to and what if I wouldn't have gone to that Hospital. Although both the Peri's and Hospital I was seeing were supposed to be the top for what I needed. Guess sometimes its best to have someone who doesn't know as much so that way they treat the diseases with the respect they should get instead of just putting it off on well we don't know whats going on and why you get it so lets sort of just ignore how bad you are getting.
When I was admitted into the Hospital all I could think about was please do let me seize and go into Eclampsia. I told every Dr and nurse that came in that they better keep an eye on me and make sure I didn't get to the point of Eclampsia, I also told them once I was that bad they needed to deliver ASAP. The nurse the night I got put on Magnesium wasn't exactly pro-active. She had came in with my Heprin after taking my BP and it was high and I looked at her and asked why she had my shot because I wasn't taking it anymore unless my BP went back down. I then had to ask for her to re-take my BP which is something I shouldn't have had to ask, she acted like she wasn't going to take it again. She took it and it was still high and in fact higher. She went off again and I didn't see her for awhile, I paged her and asked for my BP to be taken again and it was again not lower so she left and came back a few minutes later with my Magnesium bag and said she spoke to the OB on call and they said that they were told to put me on Mag if they got a call about me with High readings. Now I wish I would've just not asked the nurse to come in for additional readings and just let myself seize. If I would've seized they would've delivered right away and Anthon would've had his fighting chance. Once I was on the Magnesium I couldn't fight as much for myself and my Baby. It was a fight to just get out of bed to go sit in the shower to wash off.

Placental Abruptions

2010-08-03T13:50:00.003-07:00

I've been getting questions about Placental Abruptions lately and thought I'd share some of the definitions I have found of what it is. With Anthon I had a Complete Placental Abruption which is rare and even more rare I didn't have any signs or symptoms of having one. So no bleeding, leaking or cramping. I was bleeding some but it was internal and so we had idea. When it comes to Abruptions you can have a partial one for awhile before having to deliver, if it is found and treated with Bedrest it can help a lot. If we would've known I was having an Abruption we could've delivered and Anthon would've had some kind of chance of fighting for his life.

Placental Apruption

Overview
Placenta abruption is separation of the placenta (the organ that nourishes the fetus) from the site of uterine implantation before delivery of the fetus.
Symptoms
•Abdominal pain
•Back pain
•Vaginal bleeding
Treatment
Treatment may fluids through a vein (IV) and blood transfusions. The mother will be carefully monitored for symptoms of shock and the unborn baby will be watched for signs of distress, which includes an abnormal heart rate.

An emergency cesarean section may be necessary. If the fetus is very immature and there is only a small placenta rupture, the mother may be kept in the hospital for close observation and released after several days if the condition does not get worse

If the fetus is developed (matured) enough, vaginal delivery may be chosen if there is minimal distress to the mother and child. Otherwise, a cesarean section may be the preferred choice.

Causes
The exact cause of a placental abruption may be difficult to determine.

Direct causes are rare, but include:
•Abnormally short umbilical cord
•Injury to the belly area (abdomen) from a fall or automobile accident
•Sudden loss in uterine volume (can occur with rapid loss of amniotic fluid or the delivery of a first twin)

Risk factors include:
•Advanced maternal age
•Cigarette smoking
•Cocaine use
•Diabetes
•Drinking more than 14 alcoholic drinks per week during pregnancy
•High blood pressure during pregnancy -- About half of placental abruptions that lead to the baby's death are linked to high blood pressure
•History of placenta abruption
•Increased uterine distention (as may occur with multiple pregnancies or abnormally large volume of amniotic fluid)
•Large number of prior deliveries
Placenta abruptions, including any amount of placental separation prior to delivery, occurs in about 1 out of 150 deliveries. The severe form, which results in fetal death, occurs only in about 1 out of 500 to 750 deliveries.

Tests & Diagnosis

Tests may include:
•Abdominal ultrasound
•Complete blood count
•Fibrinogen level
•Partial thromboplastin time
•Pelvic exam
•Prothrombin time
Prognosis
The mother does not usually die from this condition. However, the following increase the risk for death in both the mother and baby:

•Absence of labor
•Closed cervix
•Delayed diagnosis and treatment of placenta abruption
•Excessive blood loss resulting in shock
•Hidden (concealed) vaginal bleeding in pregnancy
Fetal distress appears early in the condition in about half of all cases. The infants who live have a 40-50% chance of complications, which range from mild to severe.

Prevention
Avoid drinking, smoking, or using recreational drugs during pregnancy. Get early and continuous prenatal care.

Early recognition and proper management of conditions in the mother such as diabetes and high blood pressure also decrease the risk of placenta abruption.

Complications
Excessive loss of blood may lead to shock and possible death in the mother or baby. If bleeding occurs after the delivery and blood loss cannot be controlled by other means, a hysterectomy (removal of the uterus) may become necessary.

Placental Abruption

Placental abruption is also known as a premature separation of the placenta. All placentas normally detach from the uterus shortly after delivery of the baby. If any portion of the placenta detaches prior to birth of the baby, this is called a placental abruption.

A placental abruption may be partial or complete.

A complete abruption is a disastrous event. The fetus will die within 15-20 minutes. The mother will die soon afterward, from either blood loss or the coagulation disorder which often occurs. Women with complete placental abruptions are generally desperately ill with severe abdominal pain, shock, hemorrhage, a rigid and unrelaxing uterus.

Partial placental abruptions may range from insignificant to the striking abnormalities seen in complete abruptions.

Clinically, an abruption presents after 20 weeks gestation with abdominal cramping, uterine tenderness, contractions, and usually some vaginal bleeding. Mild abruptions may resolve with bed rest and observation, but the moderate to severe abruptions generally result in rapid labor and delivery of the baby. If fetal distress is present (and it sometime is), rapid cesarean section may be needed.

Because so many coagulation factors are consumed with the internal hemorrhage, coagulopathy is common. This means that even after delivery, the patient may continue to bleed because she can no longer effectively clot. In a hospital setting, this can be treated with infusions of platelets, fresh frozen plasma and cryoprecipitate. In an operational setting where these products are unavailable, fresh whole blood transfusion will give good results.

Patients not in a hospital setting who are thought to have at least some degree of placental abruption should be transferred to a definitive care setting. While transporting her, have her lie on her left side, with IV fluid support.

The Real Story

2010-08-01T17:04:00.007-07:00

Well for the last 8 Months I have been trying to be super positive and not think about the things that the Drs & Nurses did wrong but I think I need this one time to really tell this side of the story. Things def need to be changed at the Hospital on how they handle Pre-Eclamptic Patients. I was at a "great" Hospital. It is supposed to be one of the best High Risk Hospitals in Arizona. I thought I was safe and that Anthon would be born and have his chance in the NICU. Never did I think I'd be delivering him Stillborn. I was on partial bed rest to full bed rest for a total of 15 weeks. I did everything I was told to do. I had more pre-natal care then most and I knew exactly what to look for this time around. I know I'm not one to really have signs or symptoms of Pre-Eclampsia and HELLP but I did know what to really look for and I was never one to not call the Triage Nurse if something felt off. I had gone into the Hospital Triage twice the weekend before I was admitted into the Hospital. I went on Saturday, Bradley dropped me off at the hospital and took Stratton to his Soccer Game. That night was Trick or Treating and I was prepared to be at the Hospital for at least 24 hours. Well they kept me for a couple hours and sent me home. Sunday Night I woke up to a horrible headache again and called my Peri's Triage Nurse in the middle of the night instead of waiting till the morning like I had Saturday. I woke up my Cousin to come stay with Stratton and we loaded up to the hospital. My BP was about 160/105 and my headache was so bad it woke me up. This is what happened when I had my seizure so I wasn't about to stay at home. I went to the hospital (which is about 40 minutes away) I got into the room and the nurse saw my notebook with my BP readings and she asked if those were my readings when I told her yes she said you take it too much you need to only take it 3 times a day not 10 times a day. I looked at her and said No, I'm on bed rest and anytime I have to get up to do something I take it to see how my body is handling it, doing this helps me stay calmer then sitting around wondering. She sort of rolled her eyes and walked out of the room. My Bp went down while I was there and I had trace protein in my Urine so she told me to go home and call my OB when I woke back up. I was so upset. They knew my history and I had told them that the day I got admitted into the Hospital with my 1st I had trace protein and the 24 hour the next day showed 3000. I had called before the weekend and moved my appt up to Tuesday so I went to my appt with my 24 hour that I started on Monday and hoped shed listen to me. In my U/S things had changed, I had remembered what size he was measuring a couple weeks earlier and they hadn't changed at all. The blood flow was different as well and my output for my 24 hour was not very good either and it was so different from my earlier one. I went in and was sat in my room and my BP was about 160/101 and wouldn't go down. My Peri dipped my 24 hour urine and it came back at a plus 2 and she didn't like how little was in it. She came in and said I was to go straight to the Hospital. When I told her I had gone twice that weekend she was so upset. She was shocked they had sent me home not only once but twice. She sent me straight to the Anti-partum unit and started a 24 hour. It dipped at trace again when they sent it up to be tested. I was there for about a week and had got all settled into my very small room and my routine of just getting out of bed to shower and to go down to my Hydrobath. I was allowed a wheelchair ride every once in awhile and was able to visit Stratton in the Cafe a couple times since it was Swine Flu time no children were allowed in any room at the Hospital. 6 days after being admitted my BP shot up and wouldn't go back down so we started the Magnesium drip. It took an hour and 4 nurses to get an IV in me. I could feel that I was getting so close to having a seizure and I was def starting to worry I would seize with a room full of nurses standing around me and now trying to get an IV in me after a seizure and before another started. The next day they came in to wrap up my bed incase I did have a seizure and they noticed the suction was on the other side of the room which wouldn't be able to get to me if I did seize. The room was so small you couldn't change the bed to another wall. They didn't change me to a new room though so luckily I didn't have a seizure. A couple days after being admitted I had asked one of the Perinatologists how many days I'd be on the Mag and he told me 2 days. So on Monday when they hooked me up I knew Wednesday would be the day for delivery. Once I get bad I go so quick and it is so dangerous for my Son to be inside of me. Even at 25 weeks I knew he would be safer in the NICU then inside of me and have a better chance. So Wednesday came and we had my U/S and his HR had slowed down to 130 from 165 and his movements had slowed down. The tech said it was because of the Magnesium. He usually passed his US test in just a couple minutes this time it took him almost the entire 30 minutes and she buzzed my stomach to get him to move so many times and then in the end the only reason he passed was because he got the hiccups and she buzzed him. When I met with the Dr he told me he wasn't worried and that he had other patients on the floor he was more worried about. This was the same Peri that told me he would only keep me on Mag for 2 days. That night the nurse had a hard time finding Anthons heart beat and when she did find it it was down to 115. He had been at 165 since we had 1st seen his heartbeat. I had her coming in every couple hours to check it and well figured she had let the Drs know. I was so drugged from the Magnesium that I wasn't thinking totally straight and could only do so much and I was lucky I was able to get it out for her to come in more to check his HR since she didn't seem like she was going to come in more then her every 4 hour checks. At shift change Thursday morning which was at 6am I had her check again and it was still 115. I had an US at about 8:30am and my Peri would be in at about 9 so I knew that I would not let him keep me pregnant past about noon. When we went into the US he was gone and I was shocked, I was prepared for a tiny preemie who would fight for his life in the NICU but was not even close to prepared for what happened. So the list of things that should've been done differently by the hospital staff def is way too long. Something needs to be done for them to understand how scary Pre-Eclampsia really is. I'm planning on calling the Head Nurse and asking to sit down and talk to them about things they need to do differently. I can't let another Mom lose a baby or a Mother lose her life because they don't know how to handle Pre-Eclampsia patients.
I do have to say though that my Delivery staff was amazing. I think that's why I have tried to not think about everything the other unit did wrong. I did have some great nurses over there and if I would've had one of them that night I think things would've also had a different outcome. The Nurses in my C-Section were just perfect and took such great care of me and our little Angel. Every nurse that took care of me was great and they allowed me to stay in the HUGE delivery suite rooms to recover and have time with my family.

Miscarriage, Live Birth and Stillborn

2010-07-28T12:17:00.002-07:00

I have been so surprised at how many people don't really know what each of these are. I have had someone say that Dallin was a Miscarriage (umm he lived a week), I have had people ask how old Anthon is after me telling them he was stillborn. Both Men and Women have no idea exactly what the meanings are and it can be very hurtful to have some of these things said. When I heard Dallin be referred to as a Miscarriage I just lost it especially since it was his Father, a term I use very loosely since he was anything but that. I refer to him as something else but I won't use that here! He found out I had Stratton (he left when I was about 4 months pregnant), he called me and said so I heard you aren't pregnant anymore did you have another Miscarriage like you did with Dallin? I couldn't believe what I was hearing, after explaining that everything that happened to Stratton was not his business I explained what a Miscarriage was.
Since having Anthon and having people still ask how he is doing after telling them he was Born Stillborn I thought I would explain it some on my Blog.

Here are the definitions I found when Googling for Definitions :

A miscarriage is the spontaneous loss of a fetus before the 20th week of pregnancy. (Pregnancy losses after the 20th week are called preterm deliveries.)
A miscarriage may also be called a "spontaneous abortion." This refers to naturally occurring events, not medical abortions or surgical abortions.
Other terms for the early loss of pregnancy include:
•Complete abortion: All of the products of conception exit the body
•Incomplete abortion: Only some of the products of conception exit the body
•Inevitable abortion: The symptoms cannot be stopped, and a miscarriage will happen
•Infected abortion: The lining of the womb, or uterus, and any remaining products of conception become infected
•Missed abortion: The pregnancy is lost and the products of conception do not exit the body

A stillbirth occurs when a fetus, which has died in the uterus, during labor or delivery, is born. The term is often used in distinction to live birth or miscarriage.
A stillbirth is defined as the death of a fetus at any time after the twentieth week of pregnancy. Stillbirth is also referred to as intrauterine fetal death (IUFD).
Description :
It is important to distinguish between a stillbirth and other words that describe the unintentional end of a pregnancy. A pregnancy that ends before the twentieth week is called a miscarriage rather than a stillbirth, even though the death of the fetus is a common cause of miscarriage. After the twentieth week, the unintended end of a pregnancy is called a stillbirth if the infant is dead at birth.

A live birth occurs when a fetus, whatever its gestational age, exits the maternal body and subsequently shows any sign of life, such as voluntary movement, heartbeat, or pulsation of the umbilical cord, for however brief a time and regardless of whether the umbilical cord or placenta are intact.[1]

This definition of the term "live birth" was created by the World Health Organization in 1950 and is chiefly used for public health and statistical purposes. Whether the birth is vaginal or by Cesarean section, and whether the neonate is ultimately viable, is not relevant to this statistical definition. However, the term "live birth" was in common use long before 1950.[2]

In the United States, the term "born alive" is defined by federal statute.

NILMDTS

2010-07-28T09:22:00.003-07:00

I thought I'd share an amazing article about one of the Photographers with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. One of the local Photographers came to the Hospital the night after we had Anthon to take pictures and I am very Thankful for them. Some families only have those pictures and nothing else. I was lucky enough to take pictures as well. I know of one young lady who delivered her child stillborn and had no family or friends and the only things she had was the Memory Box that Lanees Legacy gave her (with a disposable camera) and the Pictures that NILMDTS took of her precious Angel. I am hoping once I'm further into the healing/grieving process I can join this amazing Organization. I hope you will take a minute to read this article.

http://offbeatmama.com/2010/07/now-i-lay-me-down-to-sleep-photos

Poems

2010-07-28T09:01:00.001-07:00

Don't Tell Me

Please don’t tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost your child too,
Please don’t tell me my broken heart will heal,
Because that is just not true,
Please don’t tell me my son is in a better place,
Though it is true, I want him here with me,
Don’t tell me someday I’ll hear his voice, see his face,
Beyond today I cannot see,
Don’t tell me it is time to move on,
Because I cannot,
Don’t tell me to face the fact he is gone,
Because denial is something I can’t stop,
Don’t tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
Because I wanted more,
Don’t tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
I’ll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of my child,
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while,
And please don’t hesitate to say his name,
Because it is something I long to hear everyday,
Friend please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday

~ Author Unknown

A Pair of Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.

Uncomfortable shoes.

I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.

Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes.

They are looks of sympathy.

I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.

But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world.

Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.

These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.

They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

~Author Unknown

My Random Thoughts

2010-07-27T20:08:00.004-07:00

It seems like after you have Pre-Eclampsia and HELLP your health doesn't ever go back to normal. It is amazing what all can happen after you get these horrible diseases. I am in the group who get them very early which is so much worse and causes a lot of damage to your body that Doctors still aren't sure of what all it can cause. I feel like relaxing and not worrying just never goes away since I never know when something is going to sneak up on me with my health. We had a little scare a few weeks ago with my health. My Dr thought it could be a Pituitary Tumor and/or Aneurysm so I had to have 2 MRI's and a MRA, I had a lot of bleeding during my C-Section and that can actually cause the Tumor they were looking for. The MRA showed what they thought was an Aneurysm so I had to go in for a CT and luckily it came back showing no Aneurysm. The MRI and CT showed that no tumor was present but that I have a small Cyst in the middle of my Brain. We don't really know what this means but its not serious from what I have read. I am def starting to feel better and I am hoping now that I'm starting to get more energy and am going to be working out a little bit and eating better that I will feel 100% once I get into being Healthier again. This will help make sure my health in the future stays good and I don't have anything sneak up on me. I am starting to not worry though, I can't control what happens and I def can't change anything.
It has been 7 months now and my Liver Enzymes are still High. Working out and eating Healthier should help it, fingers crossed! For now we aren't sure what it is but my numbers are slowly starting to go down and if working out and changing my diet helps then that means no problem is there.
I feel like I am very lucky to be here right now. I could've died in my 2 really bad pregnancies and for some reason I didn't. I am very blessed to have such an amazing little 5 year old who really is my true Miracle Baby. I still call him my Baby and I am sure I always will. I want more children in my home and have always thought I would have a lot of children. It is so hard knowing that I wont physically have anymore children and that I won't ever know what it is like to have a "normal" pregnancy. It makes it even harder when I see parents who treat kids so horrible and don't appreciate how special it is to be a parent.
My Husband and I have now started looking into Foster Care since we won't be able to have anymore children physically. I went back and forth for a little bit on this since I have lost 2 children and was worried about having children taken out of our home who we had got attached to. The more I thought about it though the more I knew it was something we had to do. Even if all I can do is give a child a hug and a kiss and let them know they are loved and someone special that is something that could be one of the only positive things they have told to them. We have gone to Orientation and start the 10 weeks of training soon.

Opening Up

2010-06-29T07:14:00.002-07:00

Grieving is a very hard process. One that no one can tell you how it should go or what is normal. Every person grieves differently and handles it differently. With that being said it usually doesn't go that way. Most of the time everyone will try to tell you how you are grieving and that you "aren't doing it right", this by no means makes things better.
After I lost Anthon I was in shock for awhile, I had some anger put in and out of the shock as well. I did however make myself really busy, I started taking a class at a community college one night a week and then 2 nights a week I had soccer practice for my 2 teams I coach then on Saturdays we'd be at the field for Games. I had so much going on and it did help me with not having break downs. At night Id have them every once in awhile but my days were complete with way too many things. Once school was over for me and my Son, Soccer was also over and it was Summer time. All of a sudden I went from being super busy to really not having much to do. At this point my Grieving finally started happening and I was able to really let it out. Everyone all of a sudden thought I was in a horrible place and was just being a mean person. I still had no one to talk to about everything and at this point it had still only been 6 months since losing our precious little boy. Stratton asks about his brothers every once in awhile but other then that he is the only person to talk to me about them. All I needed was time to grieve and time to let myself heal. It is not something you can push someone thru and make them grieve quicker although a lot of people would like to make it that way.
So to let myself be able to grieve I loaded up my Son, my Dog and myself and headed down to my parents house so I'd have some time to be to myself and Stratton would have his Grandparents around to spend time with as well. It has been a very good time for us. I have been able to let my mind open however I am still being pushed to just get thru it and "get better" I am now starting to feel like myself which is always a good thing. My health has been so bad that its also helping to be able to focus on that as much as I can as well. Stratton and I have been having fun together which I think is one of the most important things about us being here right now. We have a lot of fun things we can do down here and most days we are out and about running around town having fun. We were able to go to this amazing Organization called Tu Nidito. It is a place for families who are grieving to go and talk. It is sort of like group therapy. During the summertime they don't have the group sessions like they do during the school year but they did have a family night where you were able to make scrapbooks for the loved one that had passed away. I didn't know what to expect but it is such an amazing organization. They specialize with Children and during group sessions they have different rooms for the age groups and so Stratton will be in a group with kids his age who have also lost a very close loved one. It is usually a parent or sibling. While he is in his group the parents have a time together for a session as well. Stratton knows how to bring tears to my eyes that is for sure. At the start of the time you go around and say your name and the names of your loved one and how they passed away. Stratton talked before I did and said his name and then went straight into his brothers and how they were in heaven. It breaks my heart to hear him say those words but I am so happy that he talks about them and knows who they are. I never want him to have a question unanswered and going to this place will def help that. At the end everyone got in a circle and went around and said it again but instead of how they passed away you said one word that describes your loved one. I said Precious since that to me is such a perfect word for both of my Angels and then it was Strattons turn. I wasn't sure what he would say if anything, he got really quiet when he talked this time and said my name is Stratton, I have lots of brothers and they are in heaven and I love them. What a special little boy I have, and he makes his Mommy proud everyday. For our first night I think it went well. It was hard to hear all these other children say they were here because of a parent passing away and for so many different reasons. I hope my Son never has to know that feeling of losing a parents so early in life. That is now a fear I have though that something will happen to me and he will have to go thru that pain.
I'm not sure how everything has got it where it is today in this world. The only way to help the healing process is to talk about your loved one that has passed. When my babies aren't brought up it makes me feel like they have been forgotten. If it makes you uncomfortable when I talk about my Angels then just deal with it cause they are apart of my life and are my Sons, they will be including in a conversation on occasion. I see people start to get tense if somehow I mention them or talk about them. I don't care anymore though, I can't forget about them and it helps me to talk about them. It makes me happy to be able to talk about them. Again the most important thing is grieving takes time and it can't be pushed.

I have had people come up and ask me how old Stratton is. He is now 5 years old and when they hear how old he is they look at me with shock and ask well its about time you get on having him a sibling. You can't possibly want him to be an only child, don't you want him to have a younger sibling... The list of things that are said go on and on. So many people have issues with being able to get pregnant that for 1 this shouldn't be things that are said especially that way. I usually look at them and say well his older and younger Brother have passed away so he has 2 Brothers and I cant have anymore. If you ask the questions though especially in a rude matter I'm not going to watch how I answer you. I have stopped asking the question of well when you going to start trying and things like that. In society if you have been married well even on your wedding day the question gets asked of when you are going to start having children. Which of course is a natural question, but some couples know going into a marriage that they have Fertility problems, some know they wont be able to get pregnant at all and some just know they don't want children and if so not for a very long time. On the day I got Married I had lots of people come up and ask when a baby was going to be joining us in our family and it was def not a question I was ready to answer. Then comes the questions when you have been Married for even like 6 months then of course the 2 year mark, why aren't you pregnant yet? Well more couples then you'd imagine have issues with Fertility and try for years and either can't get pregnant or have miscarriage after miscarriage. Its a simple thing of thinking before you talk. You can ask questions but its all about how you go about asking these questions.

Pre-Eclampsia & Vitamin D

2010-06-11T08:28:00.002-07:00

My PCP called yesterday with all my lab work results. I had gone in and saw him last week with a sinus infection and allergies so while I was in I decided to have him re run all my lab work since it was time to get them done and have my liver re-checked. At 4 months post-partum my Liver was still not back to normal. This had me worried since at my 6 week post-partum visit with my OB they didn't run my lab work so we really have no idea how bad my HELLP really got. This was a good day for this though. My Liver is almost back to normal and we are hoping by my next set of labs they will come back exactly where they need to.
I am one that has to have answers and since I'll never have answers as to why my Sons were taken from me I am going to do everything I can to find out why I get Pre-Eclampsia and HELLP. Years ago I was told I had 3 clotting disorders and so that had to have been the reason since I didn't fit the "regular" PE patient. So I knew that as soon as I was pregnant I'd have to start Heprin shots, I made it to 35 weeks with Stratton and only 25 weeks with Anthon and we did the same treatment for both Pregnancies. Since there is no real answer as to what causes Pre-Eclampsia and HELLP I am trying to find some kind of answer and link. We do know a few things for sure can make your chances of PE higher so I am on a mission to get any test I have to to find out. Right now I have read about some research being done about Vitamin D deficiencies. I thought it was a long shot but asked my PCP to add it to my list of lab work. He is an amazing Dr so he ran it. We still have some more tests to run but this one was finally done. I was expecting to find anything with it but I could tell from Dr. T.s voice that something in my lab work was wrong. I am still Anemic which was no news to me but he said I need to start taking calcium which is also not really news to me but then he said he was surprised at the Vitamin D results. My level is at 20 and the minimum low level is 50 from what I have found. Dr. T. said that usually this is something only old people have issues with and he'd put them on Vitamin D for life and that's that but since I'm barely 26 he doesn't know how to really handle it since He doesn't really want to put me on something for my life at this point. So he called in a prescription for me that I will pick up later today. It is something I will take once a week for a Month and then once a Month after that. In 4-6 months we will re-run the tests and see where I'm at. I guess at that point we should know more about whats really wrong and if something else is causing it. Since it was in the middle of the day I wasn't able to talk to him for too long so I still don't know much about it. I read up on it online as much as I could to at least get some idea of what it is. So maybe this will be my answer and we will finally know why I get Pre-Eclampsia. I'm hoping more research will be done on this so more questions can be answered. For now though I have some answers and know why I have had some of the problems I have recently, so I have my fingers crossed that once this medicine starts working I will start feeling better.

Information found on womentowomen.com :

Vitamin D deficiency symptoms
Vitamin D deficiency may be characterized by muscle pain, weak bones/fractures, low energy and fatigue, lowered immunity, symptoms of depression and mood swings, and sleep irregularities. Women with renal problems or intestinal concerns (such as IBS or Crohn’s disease) may be vitamin D deficient because they can neither absorb nor adequately convert the nutrient.

Vitamin D and weight loss
I’m sure many of you have seen the “diet with dairy” ads launched by the American Dairy Council. Some studies have shown that weight loss does occur with an increase in calcium intake, while others appear to refute this. Since vitamin D is directly involved in calcium absorption, it stands to reason that vitamin D is also a factor in how the body regulates weight.
Moreover, people who have a reduced capacity to mobilize vitamin D often weigh more and have more body fat than those with full capacity. In the past 20 years multiple studies have shown a correlation between higher blood levels of vitamin D and leaner body mass.
To my thinking, what seems essential for us to understand here is the vitamin D connection with insulin resistance. Vitamin D deficiency may contribute to the wide set of disorders associated with metabolic syndrome (syndrome X), as well as to PCOS. In a study published in 2004, the authors saw a 60% improvement in insulin sensitivity in healthy, vitamin D replete adults — and concluded vitamin D was more potent than two prescription medications commonly used to treat type 2 diabetes! But the cadres of drug reps spread out across America are not likely to be reminding your healthcare practitioner about this study. They are not likely to have heard about it!
Clearly, vitamin D seems to be very important in regulating our weight, but we don’t yet understand the mechanism involved or how it relates to our environment and individual biochemistry. Still, there seems to be a correlation between rising rates of obesity and vitamin D deficiency. If you are having difficulty with insulin resistance or weight gain — or can’t keep the pounds off once you lose them — you may want to have your vitamin D levels checked by your healthcare practitioner.

Articles about Pre-Eclampsia and Vitamin D :

http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/81965.php
http://cme.medscape.com/viewarticle/557673?sssdmh=dm1.355773&src=nldne
http://www.naturalnews.com/022085.html
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19451820

A short visit

2010-06-11T07:43:00.003-07:00

I was able to go up North to where my little angels are at Memorial Weekend. It is so hard having them 3 1/2 hours away and not being able to go visit them whenever I want but it is comforting knowing they are surrounded by all my family and no matter where I live they are at the one place I will always go to visit. This visit was hard on me, it had been way too long since I had been up. The winter ground is too hard in Snowflake to put a headstone so we haven't got Anthons marker yet. The grass is growing in so you can still see the outline of where it had to be cut and rolled up. It just makes it way too real seeing these things. My mind just goes crazy while I'm there and my thoughts are all over the place. I hate that Stratton has to know how this feels and has to grow up with his only siblings not here with us and being able to only visit them at the Cemetery. The only time I have my 3 boys together is when we are in Snowflake at the Cemetery. It is starting to set in and feel real. I guess up to this point I've still had thoughts that this is all a nightmare and I'd wake up and Anthon and Dallin would both be upstairs sleeping.
Stratton has always been good when we go to the Cemetery and he plays with the trains and cars we have left at Dallins Headstone and has never thrown a fit about having to leave them when its time to go. He goes around looking at the other Markers and asks me who it is and if they are family. No 5 year old should be that comfortable at a Cemetery but I am very Thankful he is. It makes going to visit my little Angels easier.
On Memorial Day we went to go put flowers at a lot of our loved ones Headstones and we took all the family that was in town. I am so blessed to have such an amazing family. While in Snowflake we walked around and Grandma took us to one spot to tell us a story. I looked up and saw 4 headstones and noticed they were all children. They were the Children of my Great-Great-Great Grandparents. They had 12 children and here were 4 of them. As my Grandma started with the story my heart just broke and I lost it. One of the little ones had became very Ill and passed away. Back then no one would come around because it was so contagious so my Grandpa carried his little one to the Cemetery and buried her, when he got home one his Son had passed away. In 1 day he lost 2 of his children. As I looked closer to the headstones I noticed all 4 of them had passed before the age of 10, in fact one was 10 and the others were 1, 4 and 6 I believe. I couldn't imagine how my Grandma did it. Back then though this was an all to common story. After this I went back to my little Angels and just sat with them thinking about how things should be and how our life would be if they were still with us.

Family & Friends

2010-05-19T08:00:00.007-07:00

During the Grief Process your Family and Friends can play a big part in your life in a good or a bad way. I have been shocked at some things that have been said to me during everything. Some from friends but a lot from family members. Really you can't listen to anything that is said to you and you have to learn to trust your heart and what your gut is telling you. I have some regrets from everything and most of all is I didn't have Stratton see our little Anthon after he was born. I was very drugged on the Magnesium Sulfate and I knew I wanted him to see him and get to hold him but was told by my Dad that it would be a horrible idea and he wouldn't allow it. I at that point thought I was so drugged and not thinking clear and that it must be a bad idea with how my Dad was talking about me wanting to bring him in. I knew I didn't want him to come in right after my C-Section because I was doing really bad but the next day when I was able to move around I thought would be a good idea, before Anthon left the Hospital. Well it didn't happen and was still told at how horrible of an idea it would be and almost to the point that it was morbid that I thought it was something that needed to be done. I still 6 months later can not forgive myself for not putting my foot down and arranging for Stratton to come into my room to see his Baby Brother. It took me a long time to forgive my Dad as well and infact I still haven't talked to him about it. I was an emotional mess during everything and I really needed everyone to just not voice what they thought. I had my Mom and Brother as well telling me it was such a bad idea. They thought he wouldn't be able to handle it and that he shouldn't have to. I decided he would see Anthon the night before the Funeral at my Grandparents but in that weeks time our Precious little Angel had changed too much for me to feel comfortable at that point for him to see him like that. No one can tell you what is right or wrong, they had never experienced the loss of a child and to them the loss of a Nephew and Grandson was too much to handle and they didn't want Stratton to have to see it when it was so hard for them as Adults to handle and see. I know they love us very much and are very protective of me and Stratton so I have to remind myself of this when I start to feel myself get upset about what was said but I can't take back what didn't happen and what was said will always be in my mind. I love my Family very much and am very Thankful for the support I have had from them but it did make it very hard to talk to them after everything was said, I felt like i was so alone since what they said was so far from how I was feeling.
I have been told a lot to that they are in a better place. Mostly from my Religious Friends and people I know from Church. If I hear that again though I think I may explode. No they are not in a better place, how can it be better for us to not raise our Sons and them not here in our arms. I know people think that the things they are saying is actually going to help but the best thing to do is really not say anything. If I said these things then go ahead and agree but to say it even just hours after I have delivered my Son and am sitting there holding him for my one and only time as an Angel is very inappropriate. Even if I was the most Religious person in the world at that moment when your Baby has been taken away from you nothing can be said to make it better and most of the stuff can make it worse.
The day after Anthon was delivered and we still had him in our room with us my In-Laws got to the Hospital after a long drive from Texas. They are much more religious then I am and well my Husband is as well. They said a few things right when walking in that were Religious and him being to special and although it may have been helping them to grasp it saying those things it def was not helping me.
I wanted complete silence almost to just concentrate on my little Angel and to memorize every little inch of him my focus was on him and nothing else. My Husband and his parents sat in my Room and talked for hours and well I couldn't tell you what about, a few times I heard my name and was like what I have no idea what you are talking about and sorry but whatever you are talking about just doesn't matter right now. This may all seem very rude but when a Mother who is very sick herself and just spent 10 weeks on bed rest and delivered her son Stillborn at 25 weeks gestation and is spending her last hours with him nothing matters but him.
It is very important to just ask for silence (and I did not speak up like I should have) if that is what you need and if you are the person who is trying to be there for someone who is grieving then remember that silence really can be golden. Just being there next to them holding a hand or letting them cry can be all they need. When I was in my room with Anthon at one point I just lost it and started crying and well within seconds my room was empty and that made it so much worse. Almost like I shouldn't be crying and I need to smile and carry on everyday conversations so it doesn't make people uncomfortable.
Some people may want these things in these situations but you really have to go off of what they are doing and what they are saying.
Even 6 months later I feel like people really need to learn to think before they say something. I had a cousin, who yes is younger, not married and has no kids say that I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself because I had said I was tired of hearing from my Mom that people were worried about me and if they were worried then they should call me instead of me hearing it from my Mom especially since I hadn't heard from them since the funeral. I was shocked when I heard the words Stop feeling sorry for yourself.... I could care less if anyone calls and checks on me just don't be calling my Mom and Family saying you are worried about me and ask how I'm doing, if you do want to know then call, email, textd me. Avoiding the person who has experienced a loss really does make things worse and can make it uncomfortable when you do come face to face at some point.
One important thing for anyone who is close to someone who has lost a loved one from an early age passing needs to know that it is very emotional (and can not be described) and even if you are someone who would never be short with someone before, this is a time where you could end up losing it at something that you would never expect, so it is really important to go with what is best for that person and not put your personal thoughts about what is going on in unless they fit with how they are feeling.
Thats it for now, I'm sure other thoughts about this will come up later. I know I've heard a few other things and know my friends who have lost babies that have said they have heard the same things and it really hurts when they are said. More to come...

Poem's

2010-05-18T09:50:00.004-07:00

Footprints
---------------

These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints,
Never touched the ground at all.

Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have my wings.
These tiny footprints were meant,
for other things.

You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears,
of joy and not from pain.

You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you just give me a chance.

You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.

Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on mommy's heart.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
we’ll NEVER truly part.

-Author Unknown

My Baby Angel

----------------

They say we each have an angel
That we can call our very own
But once, there was a baby angel
That I never got to know

This child that grew inside of me
For just a little while
I never got to cradle
Or see his beautiful smile

This time there would be no songs to sing
Or embrace the joy, that a child can bring
No tender cheek to kiss goodnight
Or to teach his little name to write

For on that day, so long ago
Still deep within my heart
God was short a baby angel
In the heavens up above
But, I know this precious one
Is getting much care and love

So on the day God calls me home
My child I will embrace
Feeling a joy, I have never known before
As I kiss my Angels sweet face

-Author Unknown

Remembering
----------------

Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know..
Dont worry about hurting me further..
The depth of my pain doesn't show

Dont worry about making me cry
I'm already crying inside....
Help me heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide....

I'm hurt when you
just keep silent pretending he didn't exist....
I'd rather, you mention my child
Knowing that he has been missed....

You asked me how
I was doing and
I say "pretty good" or "fine"
But healing is something on going
I feel it will last a lifetime

-Author Unknown

----------------------
A kiss to you on Mother's day,
a hug from me to you.
I know that you are sad sometimes,
I know that you are blue.
Please wipe away that tear,
and put on a happy face.
For I'm with God in Heaven now,
and oh, Mommy, what a wonderful place!
God gave me wings so I could fly,
they are white with a hint of blue.
I'm a big boy Mommy, with these wings of mine
they carry me down to visit you.
God is teaching me how to catch your prayers,
prayers that come as wishes.
Your wish is the same everyday,
a wish that I could have stayed.
I have a prayer for you now Mommy,
I pray that you will hear.
God needed me here with him,
I have no pain or fear.
For I am an Angel now you see,
I watch over you each night and day.
A little piece of Heaven on earth,
guiding you on your way.
I come to tuck you in each night,
as you wanted to do with me.
I hear your prayers and kiss your cheek,
and then I watch you dream.
Before I leave you and go back home,
I look at you and sigh.
And as I fly back to Heaven
I sing you a lull-a-bye.
A kiss to you on Mother's Day,
a hug from me to you.
I love you Mommy, please don't cry,
you'll get to hold me soon.

-Unknown Author

---------------------
I’ve loved my child right from the start
A feeling that’s filled my entire heart
I went through the labour and suffered the pain
For many long hours with nothing to gain
I’ve spent sleepless nights being awake
Though it’s been a while my arms they still ache
I’ve sat and I’ve wondered of how he would grow
The love of my family that he’d come to know
The sound of his voice as he learns to talk
Watching his steps as he tries to walk
I have a child that I really love so
I am his mother yet nobody knows
I spent all those months feeling him grow
I’ve lived through it all and have nothing to show
I don’t get invited to chat with young mothers
Because I don’t have a baby like all of the others
I’ve got some stretch marks that I’d like to hide
But I don’t have a pram with a baby inside
The people I’ve known for so many years
They now avoid me, which adds to my tears
I don’t know how long I’ll be feeling like this
But one thing I know my baby I miss
When Mothers Day comes it will be very hard
I won’t have any flowers – not even a card
And just because he’s not here with me
I still have a son I wish I could see
But one thing I know and this is for sure
I’ll be his mother for evermore

-Author Unknown

Anthon McKay

2010-05-14T10:15:00.003-07:00

With our precious little Anthon I had gone into see my Perinatologist and had a Pre-Pregnancy consult when we decided it was time to start trying for a new addition. She said she was comfortable taking me as a Patient and that we would do the same care that I had had with Stratton and that she thought since I had made it to 35 weeks with Stratton that this time I should hopefully even get further and make it to a planned C-Section. I can't really get too excited about pregnancy but I did start to get excited about adding another little one to the family and Stratton having a little sibling. At about 9 weeks my BP started to go up which I was shocked about. At 10 weeks I was told to take it easy but that everything was looking good. My 1st appt with my Peri was when I was just 3 weeks pregnant and I had one every 3 weeks or sometimes closer together depending on how I was doing. We announced I was pregnant a little after 12 weeks when we went up north to see all the Family. I had ordered a Big Brother shirt for Stratton to wear so he could be the one to announce it to everyone. At 15 weeks I was put on complete bed rest and told anything I thought had to be done just didn't have to be done. I was in shock, this couldn't all be happening so early. I did a 24 hour urine test and it came back good so I didn't have PE yet but I was getting way too close to it and way too early. I went to my regular OB appt on November 3rd and knew something was wrong, I had taken 2 trips to L&D Triage that past weekend and they kept me a couple hours both times and sent me home. On the 3rd Dr. Gandhi walked in and sent me straight to the Antepartum department and told me I was being admitted right onto the floor and not to go to Triage especially after hearing they had sent me home twice. I got settled in hoping it was just going to be for 24 hours but deep down I knew better then that and I think my OB knew as well. My Perinatologist (high risk pregnancy OB) that I see is with an amazing group that all work on the same cases, I had just seen Dr. Gandhi with my pregnancy though since I felt more comfortable with the same OB every time then seeing someone new. She had just had her week at the hospital so I would be seeing her associates once admitted into the hospital which they all ended up to be amazing and they did everything they could to make sure I was stable and didn't go into full blown Eclampsia. Every nurse or Dr that came into my room knew my entire Medical history for my 3 Pregnancies and all I had to do was fill in the details which helped a lot. My Perinatologist and the Neonatologist would meet every morning to decide who needed to be delivered that day and who they could try to get just a little more time out of. When I was admitted we all wanted me to make it to Thanksgiving or Christmas which I knew Christmas wasn't possible but I hoped Thanksgiving would be. I was realistic so my Long term goal was Thanksgiving and my short term goal was making it to my 25 week mark and then going from there. I started a 24 hour Urine as soon as I was admited and also was given a Steroid shot for Anthons lungs. When I was sent over we hoped after 24 hours they would send me home but we got the results back and I had enough protein in my Urine to be Diagnosed with Pre-Eclampsia. At 1st I was happy with the number my nurse told me since it was much lower then what I had been admitted in with Dallin but then I remembered that was over the amount and I def had Pre-Eclampsia. At this point we kenw I was in to stay until delivery. Well on Monday, November 9th, not even a week after being admitted everything started to get a lot worse. I was finally 24 weeks and had 4 more days till I was going to be 25 weeks which was my goal. On the 9th the day went well it was just another day in the hospital on bed rest, I was able to take a wheel chair ride to go visit my friend, Caroline, across the hall who was in Labor. I got back to my room rested and had the nurse take my BP before I was going to get ready to go soak in the Hydro bath which was apart of my care (it helped with swelling & some other things) she took it and it was way higher then it should be so I turned the lights off and switched which side I was laying on to see if that would help, I called them back in about 30 minutes later and it was still too high so we waited a little longer and my nurse came in to give me my Blood Thinner shot and I told her lets take it again and if its gone down then I'll take my shot so again it was even higher and at this point I told her I wouldn't be taking my shot since I knew that with those kinds of readings and the direction they were going that I would be delivering in the next few days and that the Dr would be telling her to hook me up to an IV with Magnesium Sulfate. Well about 10 minutes later she came back in with everything to hook me up. My heart just sank I knew with the Pre-Eclampsia I couldn't be hooked up to the Mag for as long as women are that are having pre-term labor it just isn't possible. So I knew that by the end of the week I'd have to deliver, we would just try to get a few more days out of me if we could. It took an hour to hook me up to the IV and the 4th try was the charm. Since I had been on blood thinners it was making it really hard on them to get one that wouldn't blow. I sent Brad out during part of it to try to call my parents to let them know what was going on and I told Brad to get comfy cause he'd be staying the night with me at the hospital. Once they got me all hooked up they had to monitor me for a few hours to make sure Anthon and I reacted OK to the Mag, it is the worst thing in the world. You feel like you are on fire and that you are sucking on a bunch of pennies. Then of course if you cry your eyes are on FIRE and the tears feel like lava coming out. Tuesday my OB, Dr. Cook came in to make his rounds. He told me he had told the night Dr who was on call in great length about me and told her to make sure if she got any call about my readings to order the Mag drip and then if I made it thru the night then he'd talk to me in the morning and if not then to make sure they paged him to come in for delivery. So he said we would try to get as much time as we could for me and that our goal was 25 weeks which was Thursday. He was in a different hospital on Wednesday and would be back in on Thursday. He put me on Blood Pressure Medicine and put orders in for daily labs and more monitoring. Wednesday I was still pregnant which was great, I did my daily Ultrasound and Anthon had slowed down on his movement which they said is normal since I was on Mag it made both of us very slow moving when we actually did move. He passed 8 out of 8 and we were on our way back to the room for the day. It took much longer for him to pass but the tech didn't seem concerned about it. His HR had always been around 165 and that day it had gone down to 135 which the U/S tech said was in the normal range and since he was getting the drugs I was that it wasn't a concern and that everything else looked good. I met with the OB who was on for the day and he said they would monitor me more and that I was hour by hour at this point for when delivery could happen. When the night shift came on I told the nurse I felt like something was off and to please come in and monitor Anthon's Heart rate more then we were. I was still not far enough along to be hooked up to the machine. His heart rate had gone down some but it was still in the "normal" range. It was now down to 115. I had made a call earlier to the Neonatoligist and asked her to come down to meet with me since it had been a couple days. She told me that Anthon had been doing really well and that she hoped we could get a couple more days out of me being pregnant but knew that it could be at any minute that she could get a call to rush down to the Operating Room. We talked for awhile and I just told her I felt like something was off and was wrong. With my History and with what happened with Dallin I would say that feeling would be expected but it was deeper then that, if only Dr's could go off of a Mothers Intuition. Once she left to go finish her rounds I just made sure my Nurses did my BP check twice as much and monitored his Heart Rate twice as much. Dr Cook was back that next morning so I knew my talk with him would help me a lot and that we would be delivering soon after it. At shift change at 6AM I had the nurse do another check on Anthon and his HR was still down but it hadn't changed at all during the night and was still 115. I also thought that Anthons Drs and mine were all being updated on the HR change which I found out later hadn't happened at all. I went in for my U/S at 8:30, laid down on the table and was stunned at what I saw. All I could say to the tech was ummm he's gone, he has no Heart Beat. She sat there shocked as well since I wasn't there to get an U/S to confirm anything we were there just to do my daily Ultrasound. She said well I have to go get your OB. I just laid there shocked staring at the screen. When my Dr walked in I could see in his eyes that he was in shock as well since I had seen him the day before and everything was going good with Anthon. He sat down and started the U/S again, he sat down next to me and took my hand to hold. All he could say over and over was how sorry he was. Before he left he said he'd page Dr. Cook to come back to the office so they could discuss everything. He must have been close cause right after I got back into my Room Dr. Cook was walking thru my doors with the same look on his face as my other Dr, Dr. Mills. He sat on my bed next to me so we could discuss what the next step was. He was checking the OR times and said he'd come back in to let me know how soon they could get me in. A few minutes later Dr. Mills came in and asked if I was sure I wanted a C-section and if not they could try to let me do "natural" delivery i said no thank you very quickly and asked them to please just schedule the C-Section for that afternoon. The U/S didn't show any reason for why this had all happened, my placenta looked fine on the screen and I needed them to be able to look and see if they saw anything plus it was the only way they could tie my tubes. My Aunt was off of work and showed up right after my Mom had called her and then Brad showed up a little later from work. From then until 3 when my Section was scheduled went way too quick. The Head Nurse OK'd Stratton coming in to see me before my Surgery so they were able to be there for the blessing and then Stratton said the cutest prayer after the blessing. Garrett and Amy were kind enough to take Stratton with them home to play with all the kids, hospitals are def not a place for kids to run around and I didn't want him to see me after surgery since I knew I wouldn't look to good. All my family from up North showed up a little bit before Surgery, it meant so much to me to see all of them there. I had no idea they were all coming. They all loaded up and headed straight down. They had there own little waiting area for during the surgery. The nurses are always so surprised at how much family I have waiting for me to come out of surgery. Now with all 3 of my C-Sections I've had an entire waiting room full of family. I am so lucky to have such amazing people in my life. My C-section was scheduled at 3 and we walked in right about 3 and I watched as the room was finishing getting prep'd and the nurses were counting everything. I just wanted to turn back around and say never mind lets do this later. I hadn't slept in weeks and it was now catching up to me and 3 came so quick I felt like I just wasn't ready yet, but time wouldn't have got me ready. Then before I knew it the nurse was asking Bradley how to use our camera so she could take picts and a Dr was asking me to sit on the edge of the table and slouch over, it couldn't already be time... Yep, Dr Cook walked in right as I was sitting up on the table. They had Brad in the OR with me the entire time he walked in right behind me and sat right next to me in the Daddy Chair. My BP when I sat at the edge of the table was around 185/106 which I checked with the Dr twice to make sure it was OK to operate with BP that high. He sort of smiled knowing what I was trying to get at and said yes you will be just fine. I was still hooked up to the Mag and I knew I was in the right place if something did go wrong. The next thing I knew the nurse was asking if Bradley wanted to come cut the cord. He didn't really move at first and I told him of course he could and he was fine to get up. My Dr leaned over the curtain and told me that I had had a complete placental abruption (which occurs in about 1% of pregnancy and I had not 1 symptom of having one) so we had some kind of answer. The nurse was so good about taking pictures and I tried to concentrate on hearing my camera click then what was going on with me. I had asking the Dr not to top me off after he was delivered cause I wanted to remember everything and I didn't want to fall asleep right after. He was so perfect when Brad brought him over for me to see and I was so mad when I started to see stars which meant my BP was too high and so I couldn't even turn my head to the side to see my little guy again, what I didn't know was I was losing so much blood as well so that was also a reason. The surgery was supposed to only last an hour if that and it lasted about an hour and a half. I was bleeding and it took a lot longer then I would've liked for them to get it to stop, it doesn't help that the person who is laying on the table can actually see everything going on in the lights above them on the OR table.
We got into our room about an hour and 45 minutes after the surgery started and I was so happy they didn't top me off because I was actually able to remember everything and to see my Baby. Since I was open for so long my body temp was having problems getting back up and I was shaking really bad and since I lost blood during surgery they just wanted me to have a little time before seeing everyone. Anthon was perfect in every way. He had my skinny long feet, Brads eyes and brow line, my hair (yes he already had a good amount) and mine and Strattons nose. Our nurse Brittney (who was such a blessing to have, I couldn't have asked for a better nurse especially for those first hours) came in and did everything in our room so I could watch and we could take picts. He weighed 1 pound 2 ounces and was 11 1/2 inches long! My family all took turns coming back 4 at a time so they could see all of us and whoever wanted to hold Anthon was able to. After we were alone a photographer came in from a foundation called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and took some pictures of the 3 of us that he sent us on a disc for us to have. The organization is a group of Professional Photographers who come in and take pictures for free in the hospital of families after they have lost a baby. Bradley and I were able to have some time together taking turns holding him and just being together and then Brittney came in so she could do everything the hospital needed to do before bringing him back in for us. She got him dressed in a cute little blue outfit and took his foot prints along with doing a mold of them for us she took some pictures of him as well and brought him back to us in a cute little basket for a bed and he had a tiny little teddy bear in his arms. They had told me we could have Anthon in our room for as long as we wanted which helped a lot knowing I was going to be able to sit and hold him I knew it also wouldn't be healthy for us to keep him for too long since it wasn't going to get any easier. We kept him with us till the night after we delivered so I would be able to have some time with him after I was taken off the Mag and so I was able to move around as well. Our friends who own the Mortuary we use came up from Tucson and picked him up from my room at about 8 the following evening. It was much easier handing him over to someone who I love and she held him the entire way down to Tucson. She also had bought a preemie outfit and altered it to fit him so I was able to change him into it for her to take him in. I also made sure to take as many pictures as I was able to. When Dallin passed away all that was around back then 8 years ago was the old style cameras def not digital so I only have a small amount of pictures of him. I wanted to make sure I took advantage of the technology we have now and take as many as we could I think I took about 600 in the hospital. We are so blessed to have had him but of course are still in shock of what happened, I was not prepared at all. I knew I would be delivering early once I was admitted I knew it would be much earlier then we all would like but I prepared myself for a very little baby that would be going up to the best NICU around with some amazing Dr's that I had met and felt very good about.
We had a very nice little Graveside Funeral in Snowflake on Saturday, November 21st. He was able to be buried in the same plot as Dallin at the foot of Dallin. The funeral was of course very emotional but it went really well and Bradley was able to say a few things, My Dad read a couple Poems that my Great Great Grandpa Petersen wrote (Anthon was named after my Great Grandpa Petersen) one of which was wrote after his little girl passed away and another that he wrote for his Mother on Mothers Day. My cousin, Collette, sang a beautiful song, Children of our Heavenly Father and my group of younger cousins sang Families Can Be Together Forever. My Grandad Hancock did an amazing job dedicating the Grave and we had 2 great prayers (opening by my Great Grandpa Spud and closing by Bradley's Dad). The weather was a little windy but much better then expected for Snowflakes normal winter weather.

Stratton's Birth Story

2010-05-14T08:37:00.006-07:00

Since Stratton is now 5 and totally healthy no one really would imagine that him getting here wasn't just the most joyous and perfect story/experience. Although it was my best pregnancy out of my 3 it was def very stressful and scary. I started taking Heprin shots twice a day from the moment I had my first OB appt also I was on Folic Acid, my Prenatal, Iron, Fish Oil and well anything else they could think of. I was lucky to have an amazing OB (Dr. Janet Moore) who knew what she was doing. I was put on restriction in the middle of my 2nd trimester which meant I just couldn't work out or do anything big, I was to go to work my Drs appts and then home. I also saw a local Perinatologist that is supposed to be the top group of what they do around. So from the start we had it that I'd see each of them every 4 weeks and we had it switched off so I'd see one of them every 2 weeks. I had an U/S at every appt and when I got far enough along we started doing the Non Stress Tests every appt. I was put in the hospital at 30 weeks with a little bit of a scare and after about 5 hours of being watched I was sent home with strict instructions from my OB that I was not to do anything and was now on strict bed rest. I had my blood pressure machine at home that I used and also strips to test my urine at home as well. Also after this I was to come in twice a week to do the Non Stress Tests and at least after one of those visits I had an appt with my OB. I saw my Peri every week as well so I was in for appts a lot. I had an amnio at 34 weeks to check the lung development and he was still borderline so we decided to wait one more week and get a little past 35 weeks. We scheduled a C-Section for the following Friday and we all planned on that being it. My due date was June 5th (my Birthday) but we knew we wouldn't be making it that long and everyday we got was a success for us. At this point we thought he would be a healthy little one just a little on the small side since the Pre-Eclampsia causes me to have small babies, since the blood flow in the umbilical cord is restricted and they don't get everything they need from my body.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005 at 5:25 PM Stratton was born weighing 4 pounds 9 ounces and was 18 1/4 inches long. At 2:00 PM that day I was at my OB doing a NST (Non Stress Test) I went twice a week at this point to do them. I knew something was different when we couldn't get him to move like he usually would, I was also feeling the symptoms of Pre-Eclampsia more. I knew when my nurse started asking me what I had ate that something was about to happen. My OB came in to do her check up and started asking if I was sure that all I had had was Jello since I woke up and that I was sure I had stopped taking my Heprin Shots the week earlier. This is when I started to get nervous. We had scheduled for my C-section to be that Friday just 2 days away and my brother was all scheduled to come out to be in the operating room with me. By 3:00 PM my appt was finishing up and they were calling the hospital to see when the soonest would be they could get me into an operating room. I called my Mom to let her know that I would be going in at 5:00 and was hoping Chris would be able to make it. He was living in San Diego at the time and rushed over to the airport and got on the first flight. My parents loaded up and came up but neither them or my brother made it. They got to the hospital at about the same time at 5:30 so just a few minutes late. I'm so lucky to have the family I have though, my Uncle Garrett came to the hospital to give me a blessing and my cousin Kara, Amanda and my Aunt Felicia all came over to be with me. Amanda and Felicia were able to go in the OR with me so I wasn't alone. I don't know what I would've done alone in the OR.
Stratton was delivered at 35 weeks by Emergency C-Section (after 5 weeks of bed rest and being on restriction to just work and home before that) and came out crying which I thought that was a great sign. I quickly realized that something was wrong and he wasn't as healthy as I thought he was. I never got to hear Dallin cry so that was the one thing I wanted to hear from Stratton to reassure me he was ok BUT in this case his cry wasn't the one I guess the Dr's wanted to hear. It meant his lungs were not developed. He was rushed into the Nursery area to be worked on and have X-Rays to see how bad it was and my poor cousin Amanda had to be with him and hold the oxygen to his face while they did. My Mom quickly made it into the Nursery to take over and from what I've heard I'm lucky I was so drugged and didn't know what was going on, so much was going on and the Maternity Unit was a little low on nurses so they kept trying to call the nurse out that was working on Stratton to go catch babies even after she'd tell them she couldn't leave. I remember the Neonatologist coming over while I was in recovery telling me Strattons lungs were not developed and that he was getting put on a ventilator and would have to be airivaced over to a NICU. At about 8:00 PM the airivac team came in with Stratton for me to sign off that he could be transferred. The next morning I woke up ready to be discharged so I could go be with my Son (yes only about 12 hours after my C-Section) I was running a low grade fever though and with Dallin I got an infection in my Uterus so they would not discharge me until they knew I was ok. So they made me stay one more night. Friday morning I woke up packed my bags and waited on the edge of my bed for my Mom and Grandma to show up to take me to the NICU. Once they showed up I wasn't about to sit around and wait for a wheel chair so I walked myself out and headed out to finally get to see my baby. When we got to the NICU he was off the Ventilator so he only had to be on it for about 36 hours which made me so happy. He still looked so sick though. We had a few ups and downs while in the NICU for those 11 days but he came home on Mothers Day and I couldn't have asked for a better Mothers Day present then to get to finally bring my Baby home. We had a few days in the NICU with Blood Pressure problems, and other things for being 5 weeks early and he had a little thing with his heart that closed though right after I held him for the first time that Friday night. I had my little routine for the Hospital and for some reason this NICU closed for an hour for shift change so I came in the morning after shift change and stayed till late at night and went home to sleep for a few hours at night. We weren't able to sleep by the bedside in the NICU but we could stay as long as we could as long as we were not sleeping there.

Pre-Eclampsia & HELLP

2010-05-07T13:33:00.003-07:00

Information about the Diseases found on the Pre-Eclampsia website :

What is Pre-Eclampsia?
Preeclampsia is a disorder that occurs only during pregnancy and the postpartum period and affects both the mother and the unborn baby. Affecting at least 5-8% of all pregnancies, it is a rapidly progressive condition characterized by high blood pressure and the presence of protein in the urine. Swelling, sudden weight gain, headaches and changes in vision are important symptoms; however, some women with rapidly advancing disease report few symptoms.
Typically, preeclampsia occurs after 20 weeks gestation (in the late 2nd or 3rd trimesters or middle to late pregnancy), though it can occur earlier. Proper prenatal care is essential to diagnose and manage preeclampsia. Preeclampsia, Pregnancy Induced Hypertension (PIH) and toxemia are closely related conditions. HELLP Syndrome and eclampsia are other manifestations of the same syndrome. It is important to note that research shows that more women die from preeclampsia than eclampsia and one is not necessarily more serious than the other.
Globally, preeclampsia and other hypertensive disorders of pregnancy are a leading cause of maternal and infant illness and death. By conservative estimates, these disorders are responsible for 76,000 maternal and 500,000 infant deaths each year.

What is HELLP?
HELLP syndrome, which is a unique variant of preeclampsia (toxemia), was named by Louis Weinstein in 1982 after its characteristics:

H (hemolysis, which is the breaking down of red blood cells),
EL (elevated liver enzymes) and
LP (low platelet count).

It can be fatal to both the mother and the baby. HELLP Syndrome occurs in tandem with preeclampsia, but because HELLP Syndrome's symptoms may happen before preeclampsia's three findings (high blood pressure, protein in the urine, and swelling), they may be misdiagnosed as symptoms of gastritis, disseminated intravascular coagulation (DIC), acute hepatitis, gall bladder disease, and other conditions. As a result, the mother may not get the right treatment, leaving both mother and baby that much more at risk.

Who is at risk of getting HELLP Syndrome?

Five to seven percent of all pregnant women in the United States develop preeclampsia and between two and 12 percent go on to suffer from HELLP Syndrome. Best estimates are that HELLP Syndrome occurs in one per 150 live births (about one half of one percent), with a maternal mortality rate of 3.50 percent.

These numbers will vary with attention to the mothers care. If preeclampsia is diagnosed early and the baby is delivered, HELLP may not develop. The rate of HELLP and the mortality will then be lower than stated. Just how often does HELLP Syndrome happen? The exact number is unknown, because doctors may or may not catch it and have a difference of opinion as to what exact lab values constitute when a woman develops HELLP. If the diagnosis of preeclampsia was delayed or it was managed too conservatively, a woman's likelihood of developing HELLP Syndrome is even higher.

According to statistics obtained from a central database maintained by the National Center for Health Statistics for the year 2000, there were 4,065,674 live births in the United States. If one half of one percent of these births were to result in HELLP Syndrome, that means approximately twenty thousand women per year will develop HELLP.

Risk of Getting HELLP in Future Pregnancies

Studies vary on their estimates of HELLP occurring again. One study (Sibai, et al, 1995) places the risk at 5%. Another one (Sullivan, et al, 1994) finds it to be between 19% and 27%.

Both studies agree that HELLP mothers have increased risk (40-50%) for pregnancy-related complications in general with any future pregnancies. Some of these complications might include (but aren't limited to) gestational diabetes, high maternal blood pressure (that doesn't lead to HELLP Syndrome), and premature birth of the baby.

Study sources:

-Sibai BM, Ramadan MK, Chari RS, Friedman SA. Pregnancies complicated by HELLP Syndrome: Subsequent pregnancy outcome and long-term prognosis. American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology 172: 125-9, 1995.-Sullivan CA, Magann EF, Perry KG, Roberts WE, Blake PG, Martin JN. The recurrence risk of the syndrome of hemolysis, elevated liver enzymes, and low platelets (HELLP) in subsequent gestations. American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology 171: 940-3, 1994

Babies Born from HELLP Syndrome

The good news is, in the majority of cases, the babies born to mothers with HELLP Syndrome do remarkably well. In a survey of babies born to mothers with HELLP Syndrome at WVU Children's Hospital, the most important thing is the size of the baby.

If the baby weighs over 1000 grams (approx. 2 lbs.), at birth, his or her survival rate and length of hospital stay is similar to non-HELLP babies of comparable sizes, and there doesn't seem to be many long-term adverse outcome. West Virginia University is studying long-term medical and developmental outcome of these babies.

If the baby weighs than 1000 grams at delivery, the news is not so good. Several studies have suggested longer hospital stays and more chance of needing ventilator care. Data from WVU Children's Hospital suggests that these small babies have a decreased chance of survival compared to other babies of the same size. Unfortunately, right now doctors can't predict the scope of the medical problems that these small babies encounter. Research into the effects of HELLP Syndrome on the newborn is ongoing at WVU and elsewhere.

How likely is the baby to die from HELLP Syndrome? Dr. Baha Sibai M.D., a perinatologist from the University of Tennessee in Memphis, notes that the perinatal mortality from HELLP Syndrome, 'ranges from 7.7 to 60 percent.' Most of these deaths are attributed to abruption of the placenta (placenta prematurely separating), intrauterine asphyxia (fetus not getting enough oxygen), and extreme prematurity.

Symptoms of HELLP Syndrome

The physical symptoms of HELLP Syndrome may seem at first like other pregnancy-induced high blood pressure conditions (such as preeclampsia).
Signs for a pregnant woman to look for include one or all of the following:
headache
nausea/vomiting
epigastric (stomach) tenderness and right upper quadrant pain (from liver distention)
These symptoms may or may not be present:
severe headache
bleeding
visual disturbances
swelling
high blood pressure
protein in the urine
The most common reasons for the mother to die are liver rupture or stroke, (cerebral edema or cerebral hemorrhage). These can be prevented if it's caught in time! If you or someone you know has any of these symptoms, please see a doctor immediately!

The only definitive treatment for women with HELLP Syndrome is delivery, regardless of how far along in the pregnancy the woman is.

Dallin James

2010-05-07T13:17:00.005-07:00

This is the only picture I have on my computer, I need to Scan the rest of them in now that we have a Scanner. This is however my favorite picture of my little Angel. This was the one and only time I was able to hold Dallin while he was alive. The Nurses took him off the Ventilator and Hand bagged him so I could hold him.
Dallin was born on October 9, 2001 and passed away just a week later on October 16th.

PE = Pre-Eclampsia.... Eclampsia is when Pre-Eclampsia gets to the Point of a Seizure and you have an Eclamptic Seizure..
BP = Blood Pressure
I wont get all technical into what everything is I'll do that on a later post I'm sure!

My story started 8 years ago when I was having a very Healthy Pregnancy and all of a sudden I started getting really bad head aches at night and early in the morning and I was seeing white stars every where. I would go to my OB and my BP would be "normal" and I would be feeling better so I'd be sent on my way. I say "normal" because my BP is normally low so normal levels were High for me. (its very important to know what your own normal BP is) I got really sick one day and went to my OB for an Emergency appt and my BP was Normal again and I had a very slight trace of Protein in my Urine so they sent me home to rest. That night I went to the Market with my Mom and we took my BP on one of the machines they have by the Pharmacy, my BP was very high and we took it a few times just to make sure. We hurried home and got our neighbor who is a Nurse who took my BP a few more times and told us to call my OB and head to the Hospital. I didn't think much of it, when we told my OB what my levels were he was very surprised since he had just seen me a few hours earlier. I went to UMC and was Triaged in the OB unit where they ran some tests and I was told that I would be put in for the night to be watched for 24 hours then we would go from there. Well 24 Hours later my OB came in and told me to get comfy because I wouldn't be leaving until I had the Baby. I was only at 26 weeks and wasn't told much about what PE is, I also ended up having HELLP. Pre-Eclampsia is where your Kidneys stop working and you leak Protein into your Urine, your BP also rises and is not controllable. HELLP is where your liver stops functioning. I had an amazing Nurse, Janet, who would trade just so she could be there with me. I had an Ultra Sound which showed that my little guy had stopped growing at 24 weeks and the blood flow in the Umbilical cord was not what it should be (also a sign of PE). My Urine no longer showed a trace of Protein it was now close to the point of having to have a C-Section, I was at over 3000 and the cut off to go directly into Surgery is 5000. I was on Bed rest in the Hospital with 1 wheel chair ride a day to get out of my room and I was very lucky enough to have such amazing friends and family who came and visited me A LOT. The Dr's were all hoping to keep me on Bed rest till at least 30 weeks and then they would do a C-Section. They had prepared me to have a Preemie baby from the second I was put into the Hospital. 4 very long days after I had been put into the Hospital I started getting a very bad head ache that the nurses couldn't get to go away which I already knew was a bad sign. Something felt off but no one could've prepared me. Just a few minutes later all I remember was my arm starting to turn and me yelling to go get the Nurses. What I didn't know was I was having a Seizure, I don't remember much but was told it was horrible and that it lasted over a minute, I had a nice huge tongue I had bit during the Seizure to show for it. I some what remember being in the Elevator and my Parents and OB running in to go up to Surgery. I woke up Hours later with Pictures of my Son on my Stomach and every one trying to explain to me what had happened. I had to have an Emergency C-section so I was put totally under and no one was allowed to be in the operating room with me except for the entire NICU staff for Dallin and a huge team for me as well. I was very drugged up so I wouldn't have another Seizure (Magnesium Sulfate) and to get my Body under control. I wasn't able to see Dallin because of all the Drugs. I did wake up to all of my Aunts, my Parents, my Grandparents and some very good friends. It meant so much to me to have all of them come down, I felt bad they couldn't go in and see Dallin but since I was so sick I couldn't take anyone up to go see him. Once I was taken off of all the Drugs I was able to go up in a Wheel Chair to see my little boy.
Dallin James Baker was born on Tuesday, October 9th 2001 at 7:02 AM weighing 1 Pound 7 Ounces and was 12 1/2 Inches long.. He was so small but perfect in every way. He was on a Ventilator and his eyes weren't open yet and actually opened for the first time the day we took him off of the Ventilator. I spent the next few days visiting him up in the NICU, singing him songs and reading him books. He had an amazing group of Nurses and Drs who were open and honest with me about everything. On Friday morning I got a call from the NICU that my baby had coded and that I needed to come up. I got my IV Pole and snuck past the Nurses after making a call to my parents to come to the Hospital. They were able to bring him back and stabilize him. My Nurse Janet came and found me and put me into the Family room by the NICU to check on me. I had an infection so I was running a fever of about 104 since I had him which limited the amount of time I was able to spend with him. I spoke with a lot of specialists after Dallin Coded. They did an ultrasound of his brain and he had a little bit of a Blood Hemorrhage. Monday the specialists all came back and did everything again to compare. We sat down with all of them Monday night the 15th. Dallins brain had a complete Blood Hemorrhage and was now completely full of Blood. I had to make the decision to take my little angel off of the Ventilator. The next day, October 16th, I had my grandparents, parents and Aunt Felicia with me heading down to the Hospital. My Brother was playing soccer in England and couldn't make it back but was able to come back before the Funeral. My Grandad was able to give him a Blessing and the nurses hand bagged him so I was able hold him for the first time before they took him off. I went with my family into the Family room while my Dad waited with Dallin. The nurses and Drs took him off of all of the machines and cleaned him up for my Dad to bring him into me. They let us stay with him for awhile so we could all hold him and spend time with him. A week after my little boy came in to the World he went back to Heaven. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do and something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy to have to experience.
Not a day goes by that I don't remember those 7 short days I was able to spend with my Angel and how special he was, he will always hold a very big place in my heart and he will always be Mommys little Angel.

Grief?

2010-05-07T10:26:00.001-07:00

When I Googled the word Grief or Grieving this is what I found on Google Health:

Overview
Grief is a reaction to a major loss. It is most often an unhappy and painful emotion.

Symptoms
There can be five stages of grief. These reactions might not occur in a specific order, and can (at times) occur together. Not everyone experiences all of these emotions:
•Denial, disbelief, numbness
•Anger, blaming others
•Bargaining (for instance "If I am cured of this cancer, I will never smoke again.")
•Depressed mood, sadness, and crying
•Acceptance, coming to terms
People who are grieving may have crying spells, some trouble sleeping, and lack of productivity at work.

Treatment
Family and friends can offer emotional support during the grieving process. Sometimes outside factors can affect the normal grieving process, and people might need help from:
•Clergy
•Mental health specialists
•Self-help groups
•Social workers
The acute phase of grief usually lasts up to 2 months. Some milder symptoms may last for a year or longer. Psychological counseling may help a person who is unable to face the loss (absent grief reaction), or who has depression with grieving.

Causes
Grief may be triggered by the death of a loved one. People also can experience grief if they have an illness for which there is no cure, or a chronic condition that affects their quality of life. The end of a significant relationship may also cause a grieving process.

Everyone feels grief in their own way. However, there are certain stages to the process of mourning. It starts with recognizing a loss and continues until a person eventually accepts that loss. People's responses to grief will be different, depending on the circumstances of the death.

For example, if the person who died had a chronic illness, the death may have been expected. The end of the person's suffering might even have come as a relief. If the death was accidental or violent, coming to a stage of acceptance could take longer.

Tests & diagnosis
The doctor will perform a physical exam and ask questions about your symptoms, including sleep and appetite. Symptoms that last for a while may lead to clinical depression.

Prognosis
It may take a year or longer to overcome strong feelings of grief, and to accept the loss.

Prevention
Grief should not be prevented because it is a healthy response to loss. Instead, it should be respected. Those who are grieving should have support to help them through the process.

The last part, the Prevention little bit is the part I like most. So many people think Grief is something you can just make go away and something that is unhealthy. Instead it is something that a person has to experience. Every person Grieves differently and no one can tell them how to handle it or make them feel a certain way. Trying to make someone change where they are in the Grieving Process can make things so much worse. I am by no means a Medical Professional but have learned more then I'd like to about the Grieving Process. My opinion is just my opinion and hopefully can help someone understand what they are going thru a little better but more to help those who have a loved one going thru the process. Relationships can be ruined and many have been ruined due to things that have been said to someone who has just lost a loved one. One of the big things is comparing loses. Like I've said before no one can really know how you are doing or how you are feeling. Every situation is different. I once had someone tell me they knew what I was going thru when I was having a hard time around what would've been my 1st sons 3rd Birthday. He said that he had lost his Grandma and Dog all in the same month and knew exactly how I was feeling. I was shocked at what I was hearing. Did someone really just compare me losing my Son a week after he was born to his Grandma and Dog. Yes both very Sad things but you can't compare someone who has lived a long and full life to a Baby who never had any life experience and left way before they should have.

In my life I have lost many Grandparents, Friends, My Best Friends Father (who was like a second Dad to me) and my 2 Sons. Every single one I had to go thru the Grief process and all of them were very different from each other. Still with all I have experienced I would never tell someone who is Grieving that I know how they are feeling even another Mother who has lost a child. The best thing to do is give them a Hug and tell them you are very Sorry for the Loss and you are there for them. Or better yet if they have children and so do you ask if a certain day works to come get them to play with your children for a few hours or a couple weeks after the Funeral call and tell them you will be bringing Dinner over and tell them the Day. I don't know how many people told me if I needed anything to call after losing Anthon but I never did and I never heard from them after that. I could've used help even just Stratton being picked up and taken to the park for a little bit but that wasn't something I was about to call and ask for, I didn't want to call and put anyone out or ask something of someone like that. Plus making decisions just is the last thing on your mind or at least thats how it was for me. If someone asked what I wanted to eat I couldn't tell them and was almost in tears a few times when it kept being pressed and I could tell they were getting annoyed because I wouldn't make up my mind. All I wanted was for someone else to decide on the things that didn't matter. I do all I can for my little Stratton and the little energy I had after losing Anthon was focused on him.

Ok well that's enough for now, just a little start into it. Next time maybe the start of my Story/Journey 8 years ago.

Start to a New Blog

2010-05-07T10:10:00.002-07:00

Well with it being Mothers Day weekend I thought this would make the perfect time to start a new Blog. I need a place where I can just share my thoughts and share my experiences with others. I know I can't be the only one feeling the way I do and I know I'm not the only one on this Journey. I hope me being open and honest can help maybe even just one other person who is having a hard time and not knowing if what they are feeling is OK. I also know that a lot of people don't know much about Pre-Eclampsia and HELLP including my Family members so I will go into detail here about them as well.

A Grieving Mothers Journey

1st Day of School

Pregnancy

The Eve of Mothers Day

Scheduled C-Section

** Song **

** Middle of the Night **

2 Angels

The Breakdown

Our Lovely Blog Award

** 9 Years **

Temporary Home

I'm Back

Glass Half Full or Half Empty??

What Ifs

Placental Abruptions

**The Real Story**

Miscarriage, Live Birth and Stillborn

NILMDTS

Poems

**My Random Thoughts**

Opening Up

Pre-Eclampsia & Vitamin D

A short visit

Family & Friends

Poem's

Anthon McKay

Stratton's Birth Story

Pre-Eclampsia & HELLP

Dallin James

Grief?

Start to a New Blog

Song

Middle of the Night

9 Years

The Real Story

My Random Thoughts