1st Day of School

My Miracle Boy is getting way too grown up. He started his 1st day of 1st Grade today. It is so hard to think of my little 4 pound miracle boy who 6 years ago was fighting to be here is now amazingly in 1st Grade. I have been hearing all these Moms talk about how excited they are to have one less kid at home or to have the last one gone off to school and how they dread summer. I can't fully understand that because I have been crying for most of the day and am so sad that my little buddy is off to school from 8am till 3pm. The time has gone way too fast and as much as Id love to stop time I can't. I am excited for him to meet new friends and see him thrive and learn something new everyday. For that I'm happy its school time but not that he's gone all day doing it. If I could I'd home school him BUT that is just not something I want to do and I know he will learn so much more if he is at school and in a classroom. I LOVED grade school, in fact I enjoyed school till I entered into High School. The first day of school can be a little rough for me now since he's in 1st grade and 6 already. He will graduate in 2023 which seems so far away BUT I know it will be here before we know it so the most important thing is to just enjoy every minute you have with them. "D" would have graduated in 2019 and would be almost 10 years old right now. I should be home enjoying every minute of my day with my almost 21 Month Old little "A". I remember so well how much fun "S" was at that age. So today is a reminder that "A" isn't here with us to love on and enjoy and that I don't have another child to do the 1st Day of school with. It is hard to believe but I think "D" would be in 5th Grade and I can't seem to fathom that. How I wish "S" had a big brother on campus with him to watch out for him and keep him safe and make sure he doesn't get picked on. Yes I know he isn't all skin and bones like I was when I was in school but he is a sensitive boy who def doesn't like to be picked on. He loves to make friends and meet new people no matter how old they are and he doesn't fully get that not every kid wants to be his friend or play with him or talk to him. He also has a stutter and when he is nervous or excited it can get really bad so the thought of someone making fun of him if it happens just is too much. Some kids can be so mean and I just hope any mean kids stay away from my little man or they will have to answer to me. I am blessed that I found him an amazing school that doesn't stand for things like that but it can still happen without teachers hearing it.
My little 1st Grader still gave me hugs and kisses after dropping off his backpack by his room as he was running out to the "Big" playground. After I went over to where the kids were lining up he called me over as I was taking pictures, gave me a big hug and I could see in his eyes he had a little anxiety over the big day. I gave him a big hug and then he asked if he was in the right line and he wasn't so he held my hand as I walked him to his right line and he got right in line with a smile on his face. I cried on the way too take him while he talked to my Mom who is just getting wheeled into Surgery as I type this. WHICH doesn't help my emotions right now at all. She will be just fine I know but it's still my Mom. "S" was giving her kisses over the phone and it was the cutest thing ever. He handed me the phone after he was done and got tears in his eyes and said he missed Grandma and his Brothers and wished they could be at the 1st day of school with him. I am so blessed to have my little man in my life and to be able to call myself his Mom. I have been crying off and on all day but I'm sure it'll only happen this week then I'll start getting into a routine of what to do with myself while he is gone. Right now I'd like to crawl into bed and just cry instead of clean.
Best of luck to all you other Moms with kids starting school this week!

Pregnancy

It seems every time I go some place I am surrounded by people who are pregnant. Or I'm hearing of someone new who is pregnant or just had a baby. I go thru times where I handle it just fine and then other times I just want to hide in a room away from it all. I know everyone is welcome to say what they want when they are pregnant and that also means I am welcome to feel how I do about hearing certain things. Lately I have been in a place where I just want to hide when the subjects come up and all I hear is complaining. I think it has to do with the fact that a lot of people are pregnant again that were pregnant when I was or around the same time I was. This is also the first time that I have had a loved one have the same due date that I had with Dallin. I didn't expect to ever know someone who would have a due date of one of my little ones and I never thought about how seeing that date would get to me and it most certainly has nothing to do with the person who is pregnant it is just seeing that date knowing that is when I should have had my little angel.
One thing that has actually made me cry is when I hear all the people who are pregnant around me complaining about being sick and feeling like they need to throw up all the time and how it better be worth it in the end. Another one is when they try to deliver as early as they can or complain about being pregnant too long and how the baby is so big they just want it out of them. I would give anything to just be sick to my stomach when I'm pregnant and I'd also give anything to be nice and big and pregnant with a big healthy baby inside of me. Another thing is when I hear complaining about how long of a time period they have been pregnant in a row because they have so many kids so close together without breaks which was there choice to do and are lucky enough to be able to have those healthy babies. Then once the baby is born its another few months of hearing how tired they are or how much the baby cries or how they still have all this baby weight to lose and how horrible they look. The response most people give someone after they have a baby and have that weight to lose is well cuddling with your newborn makes it all worth the extra weight. Twice now I have delivered my Sons and not had a baby to bring home with me to cuddle and take care of. I still have to heal from my C-Sections along with planning my child's funeral and instead of picking out car seats or cribs I'm picking out a casket, instead of singing lullaby's I'm picking out songs to be sung at the funeral. I am making a funeral program instead of making newborn announcements. I don't get to have dreams for them and all the ones I had have been taken away from me. I don't get to see them go to Kindergarten, get Baptized, get promoted from the 8th grade, Graduate High School go to college or get Married and have kids, I don't get to sit on the sideline during sports games or recitals. I go thru weeks or months of bed rest doing everything I can to make sure this baby I have inside of me is healthy and taken care of. I come home with no baby and still have that extra weight where then you get asked how far along you are, I have milk that comes in that I have to dry out and a scar I have to look at everyday in the shower that reminds me how much my arms and heart aches to have my baby to hold and kiss on.
I have one miracle baby that I worked day and night to get here, he wasn't healthy, he came 5 weeks early, had to be taken from me minutes after delivery by airevac to another hospital where he was on a vent and was very sick. I didn't get to bring him home from the hospital with me. I was lucky enough to bring him home after 11 days in the NICU, he was still sick and below 5 pounds. He is my everything and with losing 2 of my Sons I cherish every single moment I have with him. I have people say I take too many pictures, I save too many papers he colors or papers with his school work, I do too much for him for his Birthdays and I try to protect him too much. In this I say you can NEVER take too many pictures because you never know when one of you will be taken away, I say you have never lost a child so you can't tell me I need to not protect him as much as I do and you are not me so you have no idea how I am feeling or what I have experienced to make me who I am today.
Don't tell me it will all be ok, that with time I will be my old self, that my heart will heal with time, that I will see them in Heaven one day, that they are in a better place or to get over the fact they aren't here with me. Do not tell me you know how I feel or that everything happens for a reason or that they are better off not being here since being so early they could have had something wrong with them and had challenges and wouldn't have been "perfectly healthy" which in return would just be too much work for me to have to deal with and I wouldn't be able to have a "normal life". Do not tell me I am not grieving correctly or you wouldn't feel the same way about something that I do. My heart will never heal totally, the grief never goes away you just learn how to deal with it better as time goes by but my heart will always be broken and I will always miss them and think that them being here with me is where they need to be.

The Eve of Mothers Day

Mothers Day is a day for celebrating those in your life who have touched your life. Being a Mother means so many different things and you do not have to physically give birth to a child to be a Mother and if your child is in Heaven that doesn't take away the fact that you are a Mother.

This first picture is of my Brother and Sister-In-Law, my Husband and I along with my parents and grandparents and my little miracle boy. Without this group of people I do not want to know where I would be right now. Probably in the hospital crying non-stop without being able to handle the last 10 years of my life.
I am so thankful for my own Mother. We have a relationship like no one I know. We have our fights and problems but we are really close and talk about everyday or more then once a day. I have been very blessed with having such an amazing in my life and am blessed to have her as the one who raised me. I am so thankful for the relationship she has with my Son and how close they are. I do not know how her and I have stayed so close with everything I have done over the years and put them thru. It has somehow made us closer together and made our relationship stronger instead of tearing our family apart like I've seen it do to others.

When I first became a Mother it was in a way that no Mother should have to experience. I almost lost my life and my Son was in the NICU fighting for his life. The time I was able to spend with him I will never forget. That 1st Mothers Day was so hard on me. Just because my Son was not here physically with me did not mean I was not a Mother. I was a Mother and to a very special little angel who touched many lives especially mine. I am blessed enough to have my close family remember me on that special day. A few years later I had my little Miracle Baby. I know he is a blessing that was given to me. He was due on June 5th (my 21st Birthday) He was born 5 weeks early and had to be rushed off to another hospital via Airevac as soon as he was stable. Just 11 days later our prayers were answered and my little guy got to come home from the hospital and it just happened to be Mothers Day that he came home. It was a bitter sweet day for me. I was so happy to be getting to bring my little one home but it still didn't and wouldn't heal losing my 1st angel. I knew he was with us every step of the way and I know he was watching over us making sure I got something special on that Mothers Day and what better gift then getting to finally leave the hospital. When we lost our 2nd angel in 2009 that next Mothers Day that was just last year was so hard. I went down to Tucson to spend it with my Mom. We went hiking which was a tradition when we were growing up. We had one of my 2nd Mommas (Momma T, pictured with her husband and my BF her son in the 2nd picture) that was able to join us and oh goodness it was such a special day of remembrance for us and we were able to honor the 3 angels we had between me and Momma T and then the children the 3 of us have here on Earth. Momma T is one of those that I refer to as one of my 2nd Moms. She has blessed my life so much and is apart of my support system thru everything. I believe that she has magical hugs that can heal anything. When you get a hug from Momma T you know she is truly happy to see you and feels the same way about you. I have known Theresa since I was born for the most part, her son and I are just a year apart in age and grew up together. Our families were in the same ward while we were growing up and still are. We grow closer together as the years pass and it is a blessing in my eyes that my parents picked to move to Tucson and picked the 2 places to live in our time in Tucson. She has an angel up in Heaven as well, Travis, who I know for a fact is up with my boys helping take care of them. Our loses are very different and I remember the day they lost Travis, I was young but I do remember my heart breaking for her as a Mother losing her child. We have bonded over something that no Mother should have in common with another but I truly do not know if I would've made it without her, my Mom and my other 2nd Mom. This is one of the first years in awhile I haven't been in Tucson to celebrate with these special Women and it's probably one year I need to be able to honor them most. I have been missing my Angels so much lately. Momma T was diagnosed with Cancer at the start of the year and it knocked my breath out when I got the news. I couldn't hold back the tears no matter how much I tried. It was another one of those reminders of how fragile life is and how things can change at the drop of a dime. I have had so many of those reminders over the years and I do not think I need anymore of them at this point. We have been blessed though with her getting better with treatment and I can not wait to get that news that treatment is done and is doing well.

My other Momma (Momma B I will call her today, and is in the 3rd picture w/me at my Wedding) is someone who came into our life when I was in Middle School. We went on a Ski trip up to Northern Arizona and we laughed the entire time, I'm not joking, we would have to stop mid run because we were laughing so hard. We bonded quicker then I could have ever imagined. At her Birthday party a couple years later she introduced me to her family as her Surrogate Daughter and it has been like that every since. She is the only person I have trusted to take care of my Angels and to prepare them for the funerals. I have been blessed to have her in my life and I know we met for a very special reason. Her Husband and her own a Mortuary in Tucson and I remember that moment when I realized my little Dallin would be going to a Funeral home and wouldn't be able to come home with me. It helped calm me so much knowing she would be the one picking him up from the hospital and taking care of him. They picked him up from the hospital and she held him in her arms from the hospital to the Funeral home. When it was time for me to pick out everything I walked into the office to meet with them with a bag full of clothes waiting for me that she had gone out and picked out that were small enough to be able to fit a 1 pound 10 ounce baby. They had everything set out and handled everything along with bringing him up for the Funeral which was 4 hours away. All of you reading who have lost a child know that that part of the planning process after losing a child can be the most stressful and heart breaking part of it all. Having such a saving grace be that support for me has helped me more then anyone will ever know. When I found out we had lost Anthon she was visiting and was going to come to the hospital to keep me company and when she called to see if I was done with my Morning labs and I told her what had happened she came straight over to be with me and when she got there I had to say the words that I never thought I would ever say which was Can you please do the same that you did for Dallin for Anthon. Her husband (who is by far one of the most amazing men Ive ever met) and her came up from Tucson when it was time for Anthon to go to the funeral home and picked him up and drove him home, again she held him the entire way. She made his outfit for his funeral and they again drove up North for the funeral with him. They did more for us then I could've asked for. No matter what the time or the day I know I could call her and she would be at my side at that instant.

I am who I am today because of these amazing Women in my life. You can not go thru the grief process without support like these amazing people. I am blessed with them along with my angel of a Sister-In-Law who I love more then I ever imagined I would love a Sister-In-Law and of course my Grandparents who are the best example to those around them. I know I have a support system that is stronger then a lot and I am blessed to have every single person in my life who has helped me get to where I am today and to get to this point in the grief process.

No one can replace my Mom and she will always be my Mother and I hope she knows how much I love and cherish her as my Mother. No one can ever come between us and if what Ive put her thru hasn't pushed her away I know she's in it for the long haul! She isn't going anywhere and it's not just because I am her daughter it is because we love each other and have formed a friendship like no one else. I am also blessed and lucky enough to have these other 2 women who have been able to be such great examples to me and be a support that they really didn't have to be. We are in each others lives because we Love each other.

I miss my Boys everyday and tomorrow will be especially hard but special for me since tomorrow I get to spend every moment with my Miracle boy who I bet I will barely let leave my side the entire day. I have felt very off the last few weeks and I realized it's because I just haven't felt whole, my arms have been aching for my Babies and I just don't feel like myself without them right now so tomorrow I am going to try to fill the empty arms with lots of hugs and cuddles with a big 60 pound 6 year old for as long as he will let me. Hopefully my plan to run this week will also help me clear my mind. Maybe some Meditation in the mornings, I've never tried it but I've heard it helps and I am bound to find out if it will work for me.

To all my Angel Mommy's I want to wish you a Happy Mothers Day. To my Angels and Miracle Boy, Thank you for picking me as your Mother and for blessing me as a Mother.

Scheduled C-Section

Well Saturday was the day that my little "A"s Birthday should have been. February 5th was my 37 week mark and that is when we were going to do my C-Section. I had so many feelings come over me and it was hard to think about how my body failed me. So many people tell me it isn't my fault and that my body didn't fail me BUT really unless you are in my shoes you can't say anything about it. Most Pre-Eclampsia Moms feel the same way I do especially if they have lost a child because of it. I honestly hate my body for it. I have had to listen to so many women complain about being pregnant and how horrible it is and how they are just ready for it to be over with and it makes me so sad. They just don't get how special it is to bring a child into the world and that not everyone is lucky enough to experience it. I had one miracle but it was not an easy road. I was on bed rest for over 5 weeks and had to make a few visits into the Maternity ward to be monitored along with twice a week appts from very early on and having to give myself blood thinner shots, being a single mom without a partner at home to make sure I was safe. BUT I wouldn't have it any other way, I did the same things with my little miracle boy that I did in my last pregnancy and I got 2 totally different out comes. It isn't fair and it shouldn't have happened. I did everything plus more with this last pregnancy with "A" and my body still failed me and worst of all no one can tell me why or explain to me what happened. Having answers of why I get so sick and myself almost die would help but after losing 2 of my children and myself being in danger no one can tell me. I do know that with "A" the hospital failed me and didn't do what they were supposed to do. My little man should have been delivered the day before we lost him or at the latest once his HR started to drop.

I wish more then anything that none of this would have happened and that I would have just delivered on February 5th. I wish I would've been throwing a huge 1st Birthday party this weekend instead of having to just look at my little ones pictures.

** Song **

This song is one of my favorites out right now. It is one of a couple songs that when it comes on I want total silence. Yes I have a little OCD and when it comes to certain songs I just want to sit in silence and listen to it or belt it out but I won't have a conversation during it. I think this song can have so many meanings to anyone who hears it.

The Band Perry

If I Die Young

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
Oh oh oh oh

Lord make me a rainbow
I’ll shine down on my mother
She'll know I’m safe with you
When she stands under my colors
Oh and life ain't always what you think it ought to be
No ain't even gray
But she buries her baby
The sharp knife of a short life
Well I’ve had just enough time

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
The sharp knife of a short life
Well I’ve had just enough time

And I’ll be wearing white
When I come into your kingdom
I’m as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I’ve never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holdin’ me hand
There’s a boy here in town says he’ll love my forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life
Well I’ve had just enough time

So put on your best boys
And I’ll wear my pearls
What I never did is done
A penny for my thoughts
Oh no I’ll sell them for a dollar
There worth so much more after I’m a goner
And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’
Funny when you’re dead how people start listenin’

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
Oh oh

The ballad of a dove
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears
Keep ‘em in your pocket
Save them for a time
When you’re really gonna need ‘em oh
The sharp knife of a short life
Well I’ve had just enough time
So put on your best boys
And I’ll wear my pearls

** Middle of the Night **

Well last night my little man had a tummy ache and was having a hard time sleeping. He came in to our room to say he couldn't fall asleep, I sent him back on his way to his room and then went in and checked on him a few minutes later. He said he had a tummy ache and asked if I could help him fall asleep. So I rubbed his back and his head and I just lost it, I started crying watching him sleeping. I am so blessed to have him in my life and I have just felt like a horrible Mom lately for anything and everything. He opened his eyes and asked why I was crying I told him I just loved him so much and sometimes Mommys just need to cry. He said and you Love my Brothers. I told him of course I do and he went on to tell me how much he misses them and wished they didn't have to die because he really missed them and wants to play with them. He at that point was crying as hard as I was. He was holding my hand, rubbing my arm, comforting me. At 5 years old this little boy has had to learn how to comfort his Mommy and that is something I never thought my little one would have to know how to do. He sat up and hugged me and patted my back. He is such a special little boy who holds such a huge piece of my heart. So we sat and talked about his Brothers for a good 30 minutes, it was one of the best conversations I have had about them. It is a night I will never forget and couldn't forget to write it down the first chance I got.
We talked about how they are always with us and are watching over him everyday so if he wants to talk to them he can. At that moment I got this strong feeling that they really are around us taking care of us. I got my answer of why we lost Anthon. It will always hurt but at that moment I was told that they did watch over me and that is why Anthon had to go to Heaven because if he hadn't then there Brother, Stratton, wouldn't have had a Mommy to raise him. That is the first time since we lost Anthon that I have received some kind of answer.
I am so blessed to have had such amazing little boys and I love each of them so much.

2 Angels

Well since my last post we have had the Anniversary of having our little Anthon McKay. As an Angel Mommy you or at least me remember every detail down to the exact day and minutes of things. So the days leading up to his Anniversary. When we got pregnant I did everything I could to get excited and not worry about anything going wrong. That is sort of hard to do though when you have had 2 pregnancies where things didn't go really well. After delivering at 27 weeks and losing my 1st son and then delivering at 35 weeks and having to experience the NICU with my 2nd Son I hoped that meant we would go even further with my next pregnancy since I did make it to 35 weeks. I also thought no way would I have another child taken away from me, having to bury 1 child was more then any mother should have to experience. After getting so sick so early on in my 3rd and last pregnancy I still kept positive and thought well the bed rest will work and the blood thinners will work along with all the vitamins and we will deliver at 30 weeks at the earliest. I had prepared myself for an early deliver as soon as I started to show signs of getting sick. When I was admitted at 23 weeks I prepared myself for delivery at 25 weeks and knew my guy was a fighter and he could be one of the Miracles. My entire family kept talking about me being in the Hospital till Christmas time and delivering around then but I knew in my heart that was just not going to happen. When I got that sick I knew it was within a couple weeks Id go into full blown Eclampsia. So although I was prepared for a very early delivery I was not prepared at all for my son to be Stillborn. That was not in my mind at all. He had been doing so well and I tried so hard to tell the nurses and Dr that it was time to deliver and that something was wrong. I was drugged on Magnesium so I wouldn't start seizing and you can't really fight for anything while on it. It was a struggle to get up and out of bed to go to the bathroom which was a step away from my bedside. I had let Bradley go home to go to bed since we knew it could be a long few days after we delivered and I knew when I saw my Peri that next day I would not let him leave until we had my c-section scheduled for that afternoon. I had my nurse coming in every 2 hours to check Anthons HR and had no idea she hadn't passed along to the Neonatologist that his HR had dropped and I was worried about it. Every single moments of that last night I re-live and at his Anniversary I re-lived them even more. I couldn't sleep for months after we lost Anthon. Every time I closed my eyes I saw the Ultrasound screen of him that moment I looked at the screen and saw his HR had stopped and he was gone. I was in shock and a part of me was so mad I wanted to hit the OB when he walked in for not delivering the day before like I had asked. I wanted to yell at him and say I told you something was wrong and you said you were more worried about some of the other Moms in the Unit then me. Every Mom in the Unit was over 30 weeks except for me and I was the only Pre-Eclamptic patient on the floor with a history of Eclampsia. Sorry but I should've scared him to death with my history and he is the same OB that told me we would deliver 2 days after me being hooked up to the Magnesium. Well the day before we lost him was that 2 day mark. All of this just kept going thru my head last month during his Anniversary.
I have a great enough Mom that she came up and spent the day with me and kept me busy. I coach a U10 girls soccer team and I had to coach a game that night which in some ways helped keep me busy if my Mom wouldn't have been up here and I wouldn't have had a Soccer game I probably would've just stayed in bed all day with the lights off and my puppy curled up next to me. That actually sounded like the perfect plan to me but I knew I had to get myself out of the house and keep busy. My Dad called me on our way to get lunch and all he said is Hi, how you doing? and I lost it. Being asked how I was doing just put me over the edge since so far no one had asked me that. Later my amazing Sister-In-Law called me and she was so positive and asked what we were up to and I held it together and we talked about what I was buying and doing. I knew why she was calling and that she remembered, she didn't have to sit and talk about everything we had all had to experience a year ago. It meant so much to me that she called to talk and that she remembered that day. I am blessed with such an amazing family who always supports me and helps get me thru the tough days. None of them really understand what I'm going thru and how I'm feeling but they are always around for me if I need them and that's what matters.
I can't believe its already been a year since I was able to hold my little guy and cuddle and love on him. I wish I was able to do it whenever I wanted to and I would give anything to be able to hold him just one more time.

The Breakdown

Well this entire week has been a very very busy one. Dallin's 9th Birthday would've been 2 Saturdays ago which I had a Wedding I helped do Photography for. Sunday after church my little one and the puppy and I loaded up to go to my Parents for a few days to get away. I got home Wednesday and went straight to both of my teams Soccer Practices. Thursday I had a Photography work shop all day and Friday we went to the local college Soccer game with more Soccer games on Saturday and another Wedding to do the Photography for which was my little ones 9th Anniversary wing day. The 16th was also my Best Girlfriends Dads Birthday. He passed away a few months after Dallin did from ALS. Also during this week its the Anniversary of my Husbands Cousin getting killed in a car accident and my long time friend from growing up Scottie dying overseas while he was in the Military.

Last night I finally got some alone time where I was finally sitting still. Everyone in the house was in bed and up to that point I had been for the most part very cranky since waking up from my nap. It was about midnight and I went up to check on my little one and he wasn't in his bed. I found him in my bed cuddled up on my side of the bed. I bent down on my knees and just lost it. I eventually moved him over and laid down with him. I was holding him so tight in my arms and couldn't stop the crying. I knew it was going to happen, I can sense my breakdowns starting to come and it was just a matter of time for this one to come. It was the kind of crying where your eyes are shut so tight it hurts. I think I was holding onto Stratton so tight it woke him up cause he rolled over and gave me a big hug and kiss and told me he loved me. I am so blessed to have him in my life. He is the most amazing little boy and is just so special. It does make me wonder how his Older Brother, Dallin, would have been and how amazing he would have been. Around this time I get to really sit and think about who he would have been, what he would have looked like and what he would enjoy doing. It is hard to think that it has been 9 years since I was last able to see him and hold him. I can still remember every detail like it was yesterday and it comforts me knowing all those details from the special week I had with him.

You can not tell someone to get past the grief and that they need to just forget about it all and move past it. It doesn't work like that. Grief is something you have to work thru and when you lose a child the pain never goes away, you learn how to deal with it and handle it but it is always with you and your heart never heals totally. If I didn't have a breakdown every once in awhile and especially around the Anniversaries then I would be worried something was wrong with me. They are healthy and normal anyone who says otherwise has never lost a child.

Our Lovely Blog Award

For Your Tears is a great organization that a lady put together and she sends out handkerchiefs to angel Mommies. She sent me one a few months ago and it meant so much to me when I got it in the mail. You can click on the button to be taken to her blog.

She was given an award "One Lovely Blog" Award. She passed it on to some fellow bloggers and included me in it. It touched my heart she would think of me, especially since I'm just getting started and it started out as a blog for me to be able to be open and honest about my journey as an Angel Mommy. It means a lot that other Angel Mommys have found comfort in it and I have been able to help them in any small way.

I would like to pass this on to a few other Bloggers who I find comfort in.. I don't have very many since I'm just starting out and finding others.

A fellow Pre-Eclampsia Survivor Laura has a couple amazing Blogs :

http://www.onlyangelsmakethelist.blogspot.com/

http://www.angelbabynames.blogspot.com/

Another Pre-Eclampsia Survivor, Jill :

http://www.areasontolivenaomihope.blogspot.com/

And now for the rules:
Accept the award and post it on your blog with the name of the person who has granted the award and his/her blog link. Pay it forward to 10 other bloggers (if you have that many) that you have newly discovered. Contact those blog owners and let them know they have been chosen.

I am going to pass this award on to some of the newest BLM who have come into my life and I am sure they would love it if you stopped over to give them support.

** 9 Years **

Tomorrow is the start of Infant Death Awareness week it is also the Birthday to my 1st little precious Angel, Dallin. We are also coming up on the year anniversary of our little perfection, Anthon.
So today I thought I'd sit down and tell my story of the start of my Journey as an Angel Mommy.

Dallin James

October 9 - 16, 2001

9 years ago today I was in the hospital hoping to make it at least 4 more weeks, it was my best day since being in the hospital and I was moved to a much bigger room so I could enjoy the month stay in a room much bigger then the one I had been in that was not much bigger then my bed. My BP was perfect all day and I even got to enjoy a wheelchair ride outside to enjoy some fresh air. I had been admitted on the 4th of October after a couple days of seeing spots and having slight headaches. I called and made myself an emergency appt and everything came back fine. So I joined my Mom to look for her a new car and we enjoyed some dinner then I started to feel off again, I always felt off at night and in the morning. So we went over to Frys and took my BP at the pharmacy and it came back at about 160/100, we took it about 5 times to be sure. We went straight home and our neighbor who is a nurse, Dana, came over and took it again. With her readings she told us to call my OB right away and when we told him what my readings were he was in shock since he had just seen me that afternoon. We went to UMC with the thought I'd get checked and sent home. We shortly realized that wasn't the case and I would be admitted. I could hear the nurses talk about how they couldn't believe I was being admitted to be checked for Pre-Eclampsia because I was such a young and healthy patient, I couldn't have Pre-Eclampsia... Now this is the 1st time I'm hearing the word Pre-Eclampsia and I had no idea what they were talking about. Then they came in and asked what I was having, I said a boy very happily and they stopped smiling and said oh that's too bad girls do so much better when they are born early. Who in the world says that to a patient that is being admitted especially after I just over heard them talking about how stupid it was I was being admitted for something I had never even heard of. So they moved me into a room and out of Triage and a nurse sat with me for a few hours and just kept telling me I had to get my BP down or they would have to put me on Magnesium. They were talking to me like I actually understood what all this meant. I had been just fine that afternoon so why in the world was I in the hospital hooked up to all of this stuff. I was only 26 weeks along and had been taking such good care of myself. Bad things only happen to those who don't go to the Dr and don't do what they are supposed to right? yeah no not at all. So my BP finally started to go down and was getting more normal and I was able to get some sleep. The next afternoon my OB stopped in to see how things were going and to explain a few things to me. He told me sorry but I was being admitted for good and wouldn't be leaving, and to also prepare myself for an early delivery. Then came my results, my protein in my urine was at 3000 and he said at 5000 he would've taken me straight into surgery but that he would be keeping a very close eye on me at the hospital. We did some research to figure out what was going on and what all this meant. Still I don't think we realized how bad this disease could get. I didn't know till after I was released that I also had HELLP which meant that my liver and my kidneys were totally shutting down on me. Looking at me you would totally think I was ok, I felt like they were over reacting since I was feeling fine and they wouldn't even let me out of bed. A lot of women with PE feel horrible but I didn't. I had some slight headaches but nothing bad and a little Tylenol and it would all go away.

Well back to today 9 years ago, it was such a happy day for all of us, my BP was great and we were all put at ease, I had only been in the hospital for 4 days and was at 27 weeks gestation now. That meant I just needed to make it 3 more weeks, which meant around Halloween we would deliver. That was our plan and it looked like I would actually make it. I had my friends come visit like I did everyday and it helped so much to have some happy faces around me. That night I went to bed feeling great, then all of a sudden in the middle of the night I woke up to a headache and the room next door to me had a newborn baby crying which made me start crying. I called the nurse to give me some Tylenol since my headache was getting worse, she took my BP when she gave it to me and I didn't even see the reading she left very quickly. I called her 5 minutes later cause usually within minutes my headache felt so much better and it was still getting worse, she came back in and re-took my BP, still up and still I didn't get to see my reading. A few minutes later I could feel something was wrong and I yelled for my BF to go get the nurse because something was about to happen and I didn't know what. Right after I said that I started to seize. Within seconds every nurse was in my room standing around me waiting for me to stop seizing so they could start the procedure to stop me from having anymore. I was told it was a horrible one that lasted way too long and scared everyone in the room. They didn't think I was going to make it out of it. My OB said even though I was in the hospital with how bad I got I should've gone into a Coma. He didn't think I was going to live past everything, so I know I am very blessed to be here right now. As soon as I stopped they cut my clothes off of me and put an IV in me and got me ready for surgery while my OB and parents were called. I was put on Magnesium Sulfate to stop me from seizing again. I'm sure the list of other meds I was put on is a very long one. The next thing I remember is being in the elevator with my OB and parents rushing in at the same time and my OB telling me I was going in for surgery and they were starting a Cath, yes right in the middle of the elevator I was getting a Cath put in. At that point I didn't care or even know what was going on, it all felt like a dream and that's all I remember. I was put totally out for the C-section and I had about 10 people in the room for me and Dallin had about that with the NICU staff for him. I wasn't even on the table fully when he started to cut me open and I have the proof since my scar is not close to a straight line. Within seconds my little Dallin was out and raced up stairs to the NICU. He was placed in the very first bed in the very first room, which I later found out is where the sickest baby goes. I didn't wake up until that afternoon and when I did I was in my room alone with Polaroid pictures of my little Son laying on my stomach. I was still very drugged and had really no idea what was going on. I had bit my tongue during my seizure and it hurt so bad. I don't even remember who had came in first to tell me what was going on but then everyone left to let me get some rest and then my poor gf came to see me. She had been over the day before and brought me some flowers, she was bringing me an Eegee and had gone to my old room and all they told her was that I was moved upstairs to a different room. Thinking nothing of it she came up and walked in with me by myself. I woke up and showed her pictures of my little guy and told her what I knew as she just stood and looked at me trying to figure everything out. Poor girl she had no idea I had had the baby yet, it was still early in the morning and not too many people had found out yet. My Mom had called my best friend as soon as she got the call and Jamie started her list of calls to let all my friends know. I'm sure everyone ended up ditching most of school because I ended up with them at the hospital in the middle of the day. All of my family had drove down and were in the waiting room keeping themselves busy and entertaining the nurses with my Grandad proving he could put his fingers out to whatever distance they told him. Very easily entertained!!!
It wasn't until the next day, the 10th that I was able to go up and see Dallin. I had got very sick and was running a fever because of an infection in my uterus and I had to be on the Mag for 24 hours after my seizure. I was also allergic to the Pain meds I was getting. It was love at first sight when I saw Dallin. He was so tiny weighing only 1 Pound 7 Ounces and was 12 1/2 Inches long. His diaper fell off of him and I was amazed at how perfect he was. He was holding on strong and was such a fighter those in the NICU. Friday, the 12th I got a call from the NICU at about 7am that Dallin had coded and they were working on him. Since I was so sick I wasn't able to go up and see him very much, I could still go into Eclamptic Seizures so they were keeping a very close eye on me. Well as soon as I got the call I hung up called my parents, grabbed my IV pole and snuck past the nurses station and into the emergency elevators and up to the NICU. They sat me in a chair back away from everything and a Dr came over and told me they had got him back and he was trying to do things on his own and that he was getting stabilized. My favorite tech saw I was missing and came up and found me in the NICU, she took me over to the family room and took my vitals. Then back in to check on Dallin and back down to my room since I was still at 104 temp. They ran a lot of tests on him after the code and then on Sunday they would re-run all the tests to see if he had any changes. We could tell that something was going on since his head was getting bigger and that for the most part just meant a Brain Hemorrhage. On Monday we got the bad news and were shown the results. I had a meeting with all of the NICU Dr's and they each showed us how bad everything was. The main results were of his Brain. The scan from Friday showed a slight hemorrhage and by the Monday results it had went from a very slight bleed to his entire brain being filled with a bleed. It was the worst bleed he could have and they couldn't do anything for him. Then came the worst part. The Dr's asked me what I wanted to do and said it was my choice if I was going to take him off of the Vent. A choice no parent should ever have to make. I asked each Dr that if this was them what would they do, and each of them said they would take him off. As a parent you want your child to know your love and compassion and you want them to be able to feel that love and show it in return and if Dallin actually made it out of the many surgeries he would need he would never know those feelings. Then we had to decide when to take him off. I wanted more then anything for my Brother to get to see his Nephew and he was all the way in England playing soccer with some Professional teams. My parents were able to get ahold of him and let him know everything that was going on and it was decided I would take him off the next day, Tuesday the 16th just a week after he was born. My brother would get on a flight and we would pick him up in Phoenix on our way to go to Taylor for the funeral.

That next day the 16th was one I never wanted to get ready for. I know though that he didn't go on that Friday when he coded because he knew I wasn't ready and was still too sick. He gave me those next few days when I was healthier and able to see him some more because he knew I needed that. You can never have enough time with them but he knew I needed to be healthier.

I have had some amazing support over the last 9 years and I would like to Thank each and every person who supported me and my family during everything.
The grief process when losing a child is very different then any other one. It does get better and you learn how to handle it better but really your heart never heals. That doesn't mean something is wrong with you or that you are stuck in a bad place. I am one who likes to share my story, it helps with awareness and gets out the truth about what happens so more can be done to help find out how to stop these tragedies. It doesn't mean im focusing on it or anything, these are my sons and it helps me to talk and share my experience.